With an expertise on jail cell-like housing features, the Russians have called on Penn State to help design their new Gulag prison system.

“When we saw photos of the inside of East Halls, we knew Penn State was just the people for the job,” Russian President Vladimir Putin said. “We contacted Housing and Food Services to give us the original blue prints to East Halls and they were extremely accommodating. We’re excited to get going with our new prison system.”

“Thank you, Penn State, for giving us a model of where our most deranged can live.”

The Gulags, which were labor camps in the Soviet Union used mainly during the Stalin era, have quite a few similarities with the Penn State dorms, according to one of the Housing and Food Services contractors being paid by the Kremlin.

“Easiest consulting I’ve ever done,” the Housing and Food Services employee said. “We just went back and found the blueprints for East Halls, made a few tweaks, and sent it off to the Russians. Our small, cement living options were perfect for Putin’s needs.”

About the Author

Steve Connelly

Unfortunately, former editor Steve Connelly has graduated. Where is he now? He might be doing something related to that PR degree he got in 2019. Maybe he finally opened that sports bar named after one of his photos, the Blurry Zamboni. Or he might just be eating chicken tenders and couch surfing. Anything’s possible. If you really want to know, follow him on Twitter @slc2o.

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