Freshman 101: Fracketology
It’s officially sylly week at Penn State, and although it’s the start of “spring” semester, the weather tells a different story. The bone chilling cold outside means one thing. No, it isn’t time to skip class. It’s fracket season.
As any loyal fracketeer knows, the ability to find and keep a good fracket is an art form. Here are some helpful tips for those braving their first semester of Penn State winter.
Step 1. Find the perfect fracket:
Your fracket could be the only thing protecting your bare skin from the cold, so choose wisely. You can usually find the best and cheapest frackets at your local thrift store. Places like Plato’s Closet, Lion Surplus, and the Goodwill aren’t too far off campus, and they’re goldmines for fracket hunting.
If you’re looking for something brand new, you still shouldn’t break the bank on an item that a stranger will likely steal. Head to Walmart. Walmart has an excellent selection of fracket options, but don’t look in the women’s department. Do not collect go, do not collect $200 — make a beeline for the men’s clothing department for a wide range of acceptable fracket choices. Men’s sweatshirts and jackets are generally warmer and larger, which means plenty of room to hide your “water bottle” on the way to the pregame — and they even come in fashionable patterns like camouflage.
If you’re ballin’ on a budget, then it’s time to call Mom and Dad and ask your parents to rummage through your old clothes. The high school sports apparel hanging in your closet is rapidly collecting dust, so why not put it to good use?
Step 2. Keep the fracket:
If you don’t care about your fracket, ignore this step. If you’re planning on blacking out, you won’t even remember this. But if you’ve found the perfect fracket and don’t want to lose it, there’s an art to fracket-hiding. Start where no one would look. Go where no man has gone. Frats are full of obscure furniture and windows; hide your fracket underneath that random couch or inside a locked windowsill. If you can’t find the perfect spot, tie all of your frackets together in a knot. By the end of the night, no drunk fracketeer will waste time fumbling with your creation. If someone’s coherent enough to untangle one, he/she deserves the fracket for their dedication.
Step 3. Enjoy the fracket:
There’s a high chance your fracket will not last four weeks at Penn State, much less four years. Enjoy it while you can before it inevitably goes missing, at the mercy of some other drunk and cold Penn Stater. Frackets are sacred when it’s basically -5 degrees and all you’re wearing is a crop top. There are only so many years where it’s acceptable to wear a men’s extra large sweatshirt from Walmart to a social function, so you might as well live it up.