Best Ways Penn State Can Kill The Spotted Lanternfly
If you haven’t already heard of the spotted lanternfly and how it’s going to end civilization as we know it, it’s time to get informed.
The spotted lanternfly is an invasive species native to Southeast Asia that arrived in Berks County in 2014. The lanternfly poses threats to Pennsylvania’s economy by damaging the ecosystem, destroying crops, and shredding through hardwood. State officials urge citizens to destroy any lanternfly nests and try to kill any you see flying around.
The Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture has contained the lanternfly to a 14-county quarantine, but many lanternfly experts fear that the invasion could reach much further, including Penn State. Two lanternfly sightings were reported after the Pitt game, most likely hitching a ride from tailgaters living in southeastern Pennsylvania.
If the lanternfly were to launch a full siege on Penn State, how could the community fight back? Fly swatters and shoes become boring and useless weapons after a while, so let’s get ~creative~. (Disclaimer: if you actually spot one of these glorified ladybugs, please report it to Penn State)
Death By A Sean Clifford Dime
We all know Sean Clifford has a cannon, but what if he could put his talents to better use than winning football games (impossible)? Although we don’t have the exact numbers on Clifford’s maximum throwing speed, we can’t imagine it to be slow enough for a lanternfly to survive the impact from a standard NCAA football.
Clifford runs around a 4.5-second 40-yard dash, so if he were to be deployed in the field he could do some serious damage. Below is a rendering to give you an idea of how this will work.
When Clifford inevitably gets tired, it would be wise to also consider former ESU quarterback and current Penn State football head coach James Franklin as a second-string lanternfly hunter.
Death By 102 Forum
We’ve all experienced the time-bending, physiological limit-pushing, gut-wrenching Monday/Wednesday/Friday 8 a.m. gen-ed class in Forum. As humans, we’re pretty good at getting through these classes with only slight-to-moderate emotional trauma.
Would our potential insect overlords fare the same? Probably not. Make a spotted lanternfly colony take Econ 102 as a major requirement, and it won’t make it out alive.
Death By Blue Loop Army
CATA bus drivers, especially Blue and White loop drivers, can be quite cutthroat on the road. Whether they’re closing the doors in your face on a below-freezing day to stay on schedule, or rolling through stop signs to get to that next stop, they always have a competitive mentality. When the lanternflies eventually invade, we could weaponize these buses and their drivers.
Pictured above is what a future lanternfly vs. Blue loop brawl on College Ave. could look like. It’s quite dystopian, but we must be prepared for every possible outcome. We’re confident that CATA bus drivers’ competitive mindsets will take care of business.
Death By Chicken Basket Poisoning
According to the New York Times, spotted lanternflies will eat anything in sight. Perfect. If lanternflies are in town for mass ecosystem destruction, they’ll certainly be in town to catch a football game at Beaver Stadium. And who in their right mind watches the Nittany Lions without a chicken basket in hand? That’s right, nobody, not even the lanternflies.
If Penn State were to poison the chicken baskets for one game and alert all humans not to eat chicken baskets, we could stop the lanternflies in their tracks. Since they don’t know how to read, they’ll miss the poison memo and literally start dropping like flies.
Death By KJ Hamler Juke
We all saw KJ Hamler juke a Maryland defender back to the ACC in Penn State’s 59-0 campaign against the Terrapins, but what if we could apply these same tactics against the lanternfly? It turns out the lanternfly’s anatomy doesn’t actually include ankles, so an ankle breakage would be, well, just a breakage. If he’s up to the task of saving humanity, our experts believe that Hamler can get the job done.
This is our best depiction of what Hamler destroying the lanternfly population and restoring peace to the Pennsylvanian ecosystem in front of a sold-out Beaver Stadium crowd would look like.
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About the Author
My own personal hell will include shirtless people yelling “Ski U Mah!” and “M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A, Minnesota! Minnesota!” in my ears until they bleed.
Just let all of the sad feelings wash over you on this Monday morning.
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