Ohio State has a lot going for it: sustained success, a revolving door of game-changing quarterbacks, and conveniently timed suspensions.

However, the same can’t be said when it comes to mascots. Ohio State calls itself the Buckeyes. Which are a nut. That grows on the state tree.

There’s no doubt how frightening Brutus the Buckeye is, but that’s just because he looks plain creepy. The idea of going up against a nut from Ohio’s state tree doesn’t instill fear like a Nittany Lion, Wolverine, or even a Golden Gopher would.

When your mascot is less scary than a gopher, you know you have done something wrong, even if you are ranked No. 2.

Here are some ideas for our neighbors to the west to spruce up their mascot game.

The Ohio State University Failed Trademarks

Here’s one thing that Penn State and Ohio State have in common: They both have “the” in their name. What’s one thing that Ohio State has that Penn State doesn’t? Enough misguided pride that they have the three-letter article in their name and to want to legally make it their own.

Maybe making it part of the teams’ name will help Ohio State make its case to the US Patent and Trademark Office.

You vs. the guy she told you not to worry about® pic.twitter.com/rDccuFjFIf

— Onward State (@OnwardState) October 30, 2019

Ohio State PawPaws

Instead of naming its mascot after the state tree, Ohio State should start celebrating its state fruit. I don’t know about you, but “Ohio State PawPaws” rolls off the tongue way better than the current iteration of the mascot.

Ohio State 53ers

Which of the 50 states failed to ratify its constitution in 1803? Which state, commonly known as the 17th state in the union, is actually the 48th state? The Buckeye State.

It’s unsurprising that the state that’s most prominent university lost a trademark war for the word “the” should really get a grasp of proper legislature, as Ohio wasn’t officially a state until 1953 when the House retroactively ratified its state constitution.

What better way to celebrate this part of state history than to replace Brutus the Buckeye with an unsigned legal document as the new official mascot?

Ohio State Flyovers

Look, Happy Valley isn’t necessarily the East Coast. However, along with attracting a city’s worth of people from all over Pennsylvania on gameday, State College is within a state that boasts Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, common destinations from those on the other side of the nation.

The same can’t be said for Ohio. While not yet in the full-fledged Midwest, it still counts as a flyover state. The name isn’t sexy, but its better than something that falls from a tree, right?

Ohio State Botanists

When you search for tourist attractions in Columbus, the first result is the Franklin Park Conservatory and Botanical Gardens.

Let me just say for the record, Columbus sounds, uh… very fun. The city’s university should express its gratitude to the workers who groom the 88 acres of landscaped ground.

Ohio State Arches

Look out Utah, your Arches National Park may not be as impressive as Columbus’ ridiculously unnecessary arches scene downtown on High Street. The arches, which provides electricity to the street cars, have earned Columbus the nickname ‘The Arch City.”

Ohio State, all I’m saying is that Utah can’t be too happy with being called the Utes, either. So beat them to it, and change your mascot immediately for the sake of the brilliant architects who came before you. Am I sensing another trademark on our hands?