Everything Brutus The Buckeye Is More Frightening Than
It’s no shock that a team as mighty and intimidating as Ohio State has one of the nation’s most feared mascots. We get that not everyone can be as noble and friendly as the Nittany Lion or as cute as Bucky Badger, but Brutus the Buckeye is a downright terror.
He is so awful, so ugly, and so frightening that few things even come close to rivaling his monstrosity. We decided to put into context just how scary Brutus is:
For a nut to look scarier than a creepy railroad worker/knockoff Woody from Toy Story carrying a giant hammer and with an RBF, you know Brutus must be one terrifying legume.
The Penn State Clowns
Walk by Pollock Commons wearing Brutus’ massive headgear and just watch what happens. If you can somehow smile that big and for that long, you better start running before Penn State students find you and start a crusade to hunt you down.
As always, send any and all clown sighting tips to [email protected]
Speaking of clowns, I don’t care if Brutus tells me he has College Football Playoff berths in his sewer. I AIN’T GOIN’.
The 2016 Fiesta Bowl Score
As painful as watching Clemson’s onslaught on Ohio State was last year, I’d do that over spending fifteen minutes with this bloated, giddy NUT.
Does Ohio State realize that doing a blackout for a game kicking off at 3:30 p.m. means that for the last hour or so of the game, no one will be able to see the crowd? Fine by me — at least if it’s dark you won’t have to look at Brutus.
That does mean, however, that he can creep up on you, so pick your poison.
Rose Bowl Sam Darnold (Not 2017 Sam Darnold, he sucks)
I still feel a pit in my stomach from time to time thinking about Darnold picking apart Penn State’s defense and Rose Bowl hopes earlier this year. Still though, it’s not nearly as bad the nightmares of Brutus’ big, jolly face that wake me up in the middle of the night at least once a month.
JT Barrett’s Arm
Sure Barrett’s improved, but some of his throws make old ladies cry. Too bad that’s what happens every time Brutus walks in the room.
The Letter M
The whole state of Ohio avoids this wicked letter in the week before “The Game.” Apparently, it has some significance specific to Michigan, as opposed to Minnesota, Maryland, and Michigan State. What they should be avoiding every week, though, is Brutus.
Woody Hayes Squaring Up
If there’s an on-field brawl, there’s no way I’m getting close to Woody Hayes — that man held nothing back. But if I had to choose between him and Brutus, I’d take my lumps with the former coach.
Ohio State’s Integrity
As dramatic as history has been for Ohio State, which can never seem to stay out of trouble and within the rules, I would trust Santonio Holmes’, Maurice Clarett’s, Troy Smith’s under-the-table agents and financial advisors, Jim Tressel himself, and the creepy tattoo artist accepting memorabilia in exchange for body art with my life before I take one step near Brutus.
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About the Author
After losing my father to cancer, I thought there was nothing THON could offer me that I didn’t already know. After four years, I found comfort in the familiar.
If you waited until the last minute to plan your State Patty’s daylong outfit, we have your back.
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