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Staff Picks: Where Did Penn State Hide All Its Furniture?

Now that Penn State has transformed its campus into a socially distanced utopia, you’ve probably noticed there are far fewer pieces of furniture scattered throughout campus buildings. Desk, tables, and benches that once called the many nooks and crannies of Penn State home have been tucked away in order to maintain social distancing practices.

Where could all this furniture be hiding? Penn State’s campus is huge, but it’s not like it has infinite storage space.

Although the answer is probably some lame off-campus warehouse, our staffers offered some more colorful opinions on where all that furniture must be hiding.

Michael Tauriello: Beneath The Campus Grass

Penn State buried it all under the campus grass. The real reason why the grass looks a bit dry is that the university spent the entire summer digging up campus and subsequently placing all of the furniture in the holes that they created. There was a lot that had to be hidden, which is why the grass seems dead in just about every nook and cranny. Penn State wouldn’t actually tell anyone that, but it’s the only cost-effective explanation. But hey, it’s free real estate.

Ryen Gailey: In The Bowls Of Beaver Stadium

I’m convinced Penn State’s missing furniture is sitting deep, deep down inside Beaver Stadium…or right on the field. With fall sports, including football, postponed, it’s not like anybody’s going to be using the turf anytime soon.

I also imagine the sheer volume of stuff Penn State needed to move would fit inside only Beaver Stadium. Since students won’t have a chance to enter the stadium this fall, desks, chairs, and tables are taking their spots.

Matt DiSanto: Hangar 51

You know, Hangar 51! That neat storage space from the end of “Raiders of The Lost Ark”? Not ringing any bells? Ah, well. Following Indiana Jones’ fictional foray to find the Ark of the Covenant, the artifact was stored there by top men for safekeeping alongside other super-important secret items. If I were a betting man, Penn State would store its belongings there for the time being to keep them out of the wrong hands.

Frankie Marzano: Wherever The Hell The JoePa Statue Is

This isn’t the first time Penn State has removed hidden large objects from campus. One might ask, “Where would you be able to put all of these sizable chairs and tables?” Another could say, “Where does Penn State have space?” It’s all hidden with the JoePa statue.

It’s almost impossible to hide that much furniture without some of it showing, so why not hide it with the statue? The bronze bust hasn’t been seen in eight years, so wherever it is must be a very effective storage spot.

Richard Smeltzer: The Cloud

All of the furniture is clearly being saved in the cloud. Penn State recently made its intentions clear that it is switching from Box to Microsoft OneDrive and SharePoint next year. To promote the switch, it likely chose to virtually store all of its overflow furniture in the totally real cloud.

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Staff

Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

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