Nothing says “fall” like gourds on gourds on gourds, folks.

I took a walk over to Penn State’s beautiful Arboretum this week to appreciate an often overlooked aspect of its annual fall displays: the gourds! From pumpkins to squash to everything in between, gourds deserve more respect.

But seriously, how did the Arboretum even acquire so many?

The sheer number aside, let’s get into some gourd ratings. I took the liberty of rating these special fall friends out of 10 and giving them appropriate nicknames.

This little gray dude, who I will be calling “E-boy Gourd,” gets a solid 6/10. It gains points for moodiness but loses some for so clearly wanting to “be different.” It would definitely make you listen to a terrible indie music playlist.

Here, we have “Watermelon Wannabe,” which gets a 3/10 because it’s clearly confused as to what season it is. You’re already mistaken for a pumpkin and now you want to throw watermelon onto the list? Pick a lane, bro.

Here, we have “Clementine King.” He deserves an 8/10 for being one of the biggest gourds of the bunch. Shoutout to whoever hauled this big boy out there.

I’m calling this gourd “The Brain We All Wish We Had During Midterms.” A lengthy name, yes, but it sure is accurate. I rated him a 7/10 for being a smart lumpy boy.

Here, we have “Toad.” I’ll give this ‘lil man a 5/10. Might not have showed up like his other gourdy friends ,but the effort is there. I can relate, little dude.

Here is “Mini Man.” A personal favorite for getting high scores in the “adorable” category with a total rank: 9/10. (P.S. Fellas, if you’re trying to woo a special lady this cuffing season, I highly recommend you give her a baby gourd. Works every time!).

This dude right here is “Chronic Neck Pain.” He pulled up with the posture we all have from sitting in Zoom lectures for hours a day. Rating: 8/10 for being unique, extra points in the lumpy category.

Last but definitely not least is “Overachiever.” While he is \ extra, I can’t even be mad about it. This gourd is a show-stopper. 10/10 for being a special boy.

As these ratings were purely opinion, make sure you head over to the Arboretum to take in the fall scenery while it lasts to do some gourd critiques of your own.