Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

It was love at first COVID-19 testing site sight.

The stars aligned for two freshman lovers who met at the HUB Parking Deck’s walk-up COVID-19 testing center in August after a crazy night at the East Halls twerk circle.

Packer Hall residents Shane Wegler and April Butts hit it off in the parking garage and haven’t been able to separate since.

“When I first told my parents about my new boyfriend, my mom nicknamed him Superspreader Shane,” Butts said. “However, she came around once I told her he wears a 409 mask.”

Butts’ phlegmy cough is originally what caught Wegler’s attention. He couldn’t look away from such a beautiful girl even though she was hacking up a lung.

Wegler received his COVID-19 test first. Butts couldn’t take her eyes off of him as he hacked up a loogie and filled that tube with spit. He even claimed that all the ladies at the HUB Parking Deck couldn’t stop checking him out.

While waiting for the pretty freshman girl who watched him get tested, Wegler checked his email. He was stunned to see an email from Vault Health with the subject line, “5 Ways To Keep Your Swimmer Count High & Healthy.”

Turns out, Vault Health doubles as a COVID-19 testing service and a men’s health service. Go figure!

Wegler helped Butts disinfect her space once she was finished taking her COVID-19 test. The two agreed to get dinner before their results came back just in case one of them tested positive and would be forced to isolate.

Forty-eight hours later, their Vault results came in. Positive.

The two packed up their belongings and moved to Eastview Terrace to isolate. Wegler sneaked into Butts’ suite, and the two watched movies together during their two-week stay.

“When this ‘rona shit is over, let’s plan a spring break trip to Miami,” Wegler said in a Snapchat to Butts once they were back in their dorms.

The couple made it official the night of a crazy Corona beer-themed daylong in October. Wegler recalls wearing his favorite fake-vintage Corona shirt from Urban Outfitters because he knew it was going to be a special night.

“I want you in my bubble forever, baby!” Butts said after it became official.

Despite testing positive and potentially suffering from long-term health effects, the lockdown lovers couldn’t be more thankful to have met each other at the COVID-19 testing site.

In their free time, the couple enjoys going on long walks, eating at local pizza shops, watching Cedar State videos, and having picnics on Old Main Lawn.

Because they’re both Packer Hall residents, their latest date was getting COVID-19 tested together at Pegula after President Barron kindly suggested it.

“I’m looking forward to attending the Blue-White Game with Shane,” Butts said. “After the twerk circle, petitions were made to send the freshman class home, and I’m eternally thankful Penn State is rewarding us with such a special day after all of that unnecessary backlash.”

“I love my pandemic princess, and I’m so glad she still loves me even after watching me stick my nostril with a deep swab,” Wegler said. “Hopefully, our love story comes full circle, and we can finesse a vaccine appointment together soon.”