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Penn State Leaks List Of Possible University President Candidates

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

Breaking news came from Old Main Thursday morning when President Eric Barron accidentally leaked a list of possible candidates to become Penn State’s next head honcho instead of sending out another ~inspiring~ email about these unprecedented times.

Barron is expected to retire come June 2022. Now, the hunt is on to decide who will replace him as Penn State’s next president.

The list of candidates is surprising, certainly. Take a look at the potential candidates below.

Mike The Mailman

First on the list is Mike the Mailman. This icon spent 48 years ensuring that the students of Penn State got their mail handed to them with a smile. He is a fan favorite of students, both past and present. Mike would certainly make a good university president.

The Willard Preacher

Listen, the Willard Preacher has a way with words and students. Imagine the emails we would get from him every Friday night reminding us that if you can’t get laid at Penn State, you can’t get laid anywhere. This man is the inspiration that faculty and students alike need.

Saquon Barkley

You knew this was coming. Saquon Barkley dominated college football during his time at Penn State and has gone on to do the same in the NFL. Could he possibly be the next man in line to dominate the college president position?

Hot UPS Guy

He’d lead Penn State with ease and look pretty damn good doing it! Conor McCann took Penn State by storm last fall and would surely do the same as its next president.

Sue Paterno

Look, nobody loves Penn State like Sue Paterno loves Penn State. Just think back to her raucous appearance at THON 2021. Although she may be enjoying retirement, it’s hard to think she’d pass up the chance to guide Dear Old State into the future.

A Campus Squirrel

Next on Barron’s shortlist is an ordinary campus squirrel. The list didn’t specifically name a squirrel, which could cause an uproar in the squirrel community as it decides who will have the chance to sit in Old Main instead of running around it.

The Blue Loop

Weird, but OK! The Blue Loop has done a lot for students. It gets us from place to place and does so with love. I can see a lot of productive vibes coming from the leadership of a CATA bus.

If appointed, the Blue Loop’s iconic message could read, “The Blue Loop: Serving Campus, Downtown, And The Penn State Community Via College Avenue.”

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About the Author

Dana June Nunemacher

Dana is a redshirt freshman, who is studying public relations. She is from the 570 and her favorite Office quote is "DID I STUTTER". Her passions in life include drinking unsweetened iced tea and spreading her love for agriculture (yee haw)! Ask Dana about storming the field at the 2016 White Out because that was her peak. Send any cow pictures or complaints to [email protected]


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