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President Barron Is Doing WHAT?!

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

After following COVID-19 protocols for months, Penn State is scrambling to recoup lost revenue. And suffice to say, Penn State President Eric Barron set out to make a little extra dough.

Most people who want some extra spending money would start a lemonade stand, sell their old clothes, or even mow some lawns. But Barron knew these childish ideas wouldn’t make enough to cover the debt.

One afternoon, while Barron was trying to decide what to do about the Blue-White Game since all the freshmen are being asked to get tested, the idea hit him right in the face: Sell COVID-19 wastewater for research purposes!

Penn State researchers are testing and monitoring campus wastewater in an effort to delay potential COVID-19 outbreaks. This is how freshmen in East were caught red-handed and asked to get tested at pop-up testing sites.

Now, why Barron is selling literal shit to researchers. He realizes that the freshmen here are a different breed after starting a twerk circle on the first night back to campus.

In an official statement obtained by Onward State, Barron said he’s doing what he thinks is best. Although it’s rather invasive, he knows this is what will double his salary save the university.

“I can always count on my freshmen to make the right decisions. That’s why I’m trusting them to provide me with the goods for this purchase,” Barron said.

The wastewater has been collected over the past couple of weeks, but Barron is still attempting to sell more. If you would like to contribute to the cause, visit the local East Halls bathroom and do your thing.

In return for your donation, Barron is offering coupons for free Canyon and Chipotle. Food Services has also introduced laxatives in the dining halls to…get things going.

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About the Author

Hope Damato

Hope is a washed-up senior majoring in broadcast journalism and is one of Onward State's social media editors. She resides in northern Virginia but likes to tell people she's from D.C. since no one's heard of Manassas. She considers herself a coffee expert, obsessive Eagles fan, and likes long walks on the beach. Feel free to follow her on twitter @hopemarinaa to send her funny tweets or email her at [email protected] to yell.

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