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Our Worst Nightmare: A Football Weekend Without Cocktagons

Tailgating was back in full swing this weekend when Penn State’s Blue-White Game returned to Happy Valley for the first time since 2019.

With the return of tailgating comes plenty of food, drinks, and good times. There’s just nothing like it. But there was only one thing I couldn’t wait to make its return to the tailgate lots: the cocktagon. In case you have been living under a rock for the last 12 months, the cockatgon is one of the best creations of mankind — so much so that we took the liberty of making a map to help you and your friends find the fastest way to enjoy a nice bathroom break together.

I found myself in the Stadium West Parking Lot a few days before the game, and I was surprised there were no cocktagons in sight.

While I was a bit worried, I held out for hope that Penn State would deliver at least one by Saturday. I moseyed my way up to the same lot bright and early Saturday morning to find that the lots were, once again, without cocktagons. I was heartbroken, but I tried to not let it ruin what was going to be an incredible day.

Eventually, Onward State’s Gabe Angieri and I needed to use the facilities, and it was a disaster. The lines for the porta-potties felt longer than a line for The Basement on a Thursday night. That’s just flat-out inefficient. To make things worse, I passed a former spot of our dear friend on the walk back to my car, making way for a very emotional and somber moment.

Pain.

You might be asking yourself, “Why does it matter to me if Penn State doesn’t have any cocktagons in its tailgate lots?” Well, I will tell you, my friend.

No matter how you slice it, the cocktagon is the most efficient way to serve a large population of tailgaters. Benefits include cost-effectiveness, quick and easy access, efficiency that drives down wait times, decongestion in lines, and a social bathroom environment with your friends. What’s better than that?

As traffic gets driven toward your ordinary porta-potties, the lines grow longer, forcing some people to hold it in — perhaps until they make it into the stadium. Now, you have a bunch of antsy, anxious tailgaters heading into the stadium who need to use the bathroom, which will drive up the wait times for the urinal troughs in Beaver Stadium. Plus, there’s nothing worse than needing to use the bathroom and waiting in a 20-minute line that will cause you to miss a significant amount of action in a game, which isn’t fun for anybody. All it takes is one bad game experience for a casual fan to not return, and the last thing Penn State Athletics needs is a decrease in ticket sales after the massive revenue losses from the pandemic. Are you starting to see where it all connects?

With no cocktagons in our parking lots, Penn State could be in store for irreversible financial and logistical failure. It’s not time to hit the panic button, though. There is still hope that the powers that be will give us what we want when serious tailgating crowds roll in this fall. If the cocktagons don’t make a return, we are in store for a hellish football season.

President-elect Neeli Bendapudi and future, to-be-named athletic director, if you’re reading this, do what is right and ensure that we will have cocktagons in the fall. It’s what Nittany Nation deserves.

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About the Author

Frankie Marzano

Frankie is a senior accounting and economics major from Long Island, NY. You can probably recognize him as the typical Italian-American with slicked back black hair. He is an avid fan of the New York Rangers and Mets, along with every Penn State Athletics team. Follow him on Twitter @frankiemarzano for obnoxious amounts of Rangers and Penn State content or email him at [email protected]

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