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What Your Water Bottle Type Says About You

Ah, it’s the first week of the fall semester. The word “fall” can be deceiving because normally your back isn’t soaked in sweat during the autumn season, but hey, it is what it is.

Each and every one of us are dealing with the hot weather in different ways. However, our biggest savior is undoubtedly the free source of high-quality H2O. It’s also safe to say that with over 40,000 students, everyone has their own way in which they consume their precious water.

With that being said, we decided to observe all the water bottles we’ve seen around campus and offer some insight about what each type says about you. Without further ado, let’s get right into it.

Yeti

If you carry a Yeti to class, then you’re in the right spot. You know what you want and you go after it. You’re ambitious, smart, funny, and the coolest person in the room (your water literally stays extremely cold all day).

You probably never cleaned that Yeti because all you do is fill it with water. So, that could be a red flag on how you operate in your real life, but, oh well! You have a Yeti, and your dad probably owns a boat.

Hydro Flask

Well, you’re probably a sorority girl. Your mother probably bought it for you as a “back-to-school” gift or you got it on a whim on a silly Target run with the girls. There are also probably a few dent marks on it because you’re just so clumsy!

If you have a Hydro Flask, you might as well tattoo “basic” on your forehead. However, you can put fun stickers on it, and for that reason, we’re jealous.

A Gallon Jug

Alright, we get it, Chad. You work out. You lift so many weights, drink way too many protein shakes, and pound more creatine than you should. Without that jug, your muscles would cease to exist and any chance of you getting a woman would be squandered.

But hey, at least you’re staying hydrated. We have to respect that.

Aluminum

Are you okay? Like, do you need a hug? Because if you do, we’re here for you.

The fact that you can bear through that metallic taste, and you don’t care that your water will get scorching hot in this weather — you’re just a different breed. In fact, having an aluminum bottle makes you a mysterious person who never shows what your next intentions are.

We don’t know whether we don’t like you or are in love with you.

Brita

Oh, you’re fancy, huh? We guess the Brita in your fridge just isn’t good enough.

We have to respect this decision, though, because after we tested the water on campus, having that Brita filter already in is elite. You’re probably on top of everything and the type of person your friends go to for advice. You’ll definitely be the better off person out of anyone else listed.

Glass

You’re a disaster waiting to happen. You can’t be trusted. Please don’t cut anyone when you inevitably drop it.

Starbucks Water Cup

You’re probably basic like the Hydro Flaskers, but you’re definitely the most studious out of all the water bottles. The library is your second home, behind Starbucks, of course. You’re also very resourceful because that cup was most likely filled to the brim with an iced coffee prior to the addition of water.

Regular Water Bottle

First and foremost, do you hate the Earth and the turtles? We know you aren’t reusing those Deer Park bottles because we see them stuffed in bushes while walking to class.

Regardless, you’re probably a bit disorganized considering you probably have a stash of them underneath your bed. However, you are loyal. You stick to a certain brand of agua and aren’t afraid about it. Plus, we’re sure your parents bought you a fresh case before moving in.

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About the Author

Tobey Prime

Tobey is a senior studying broadcast journalism from Lancaster, PA. He is a major Pittsburgh sports fan and Miami Heat fanatic. When Tobey isn't writing for Onward State, you can catch him looking at photos of his pugs. Send your best insults to [email protected] or sports takes to @tobey_prime on Twitter.

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