Penn State’s badly underfunded football team is set to receive a program-changing cash infusion.

The university announced on Saturday that Beaver Stadium will become an official LineLeap partner beginning with the 2023 season. For a small fee starting at $409, students and alumni alike can make plenty of friends by paying their way to the front of the line. 

Students who buy LineLeap will not have to pass through security, allowing them to bring as many Fireball shooters into the stadium as they please. Additionally, those who are deemed the most intoxicated will be placed in the first three rows of the stands to increase fan engagement. 

LineLeap CEO Patrick Skelly said that the deal was inspired by Champs Downtown’s prices rising as high as $75 during Penn State’s March Madness run. 

“Look, Country Night is successful and all, but imagine the look on my face when we saw the line wrapping around the corner hours before game time,” Skelly said. “Think of it as a collaboration with Penn State fans: they pay a premium, and we generously allow them in. They’re already paying tuition, and Lord knows those Dirty Sprite buckets aren’t buying themselves. What’s a little extra for me?” 

“Our fans are crazy about this team, and so am I,” said Vice President for Intercollegiate Athletics Pat Kraft, who approved the deal. “No one judged me when I rattlin’ bogged a Four Loko in the parking lot before the Ohio State game last year, so why should they judge me now?” 

Coach James Franklin called the move “a war on bald people.”

“You know that some of those rapscallions are pooling together money just for the chance to huck shooters at my glossy dome,” he said. “Just know that I’ll be spending some of that money on a beanie to make myself less of a target.” 

“Beaver Stadium LineLeap” will launch separately from “Penn State Athletics,” “Penn State Go,” and the rest of Penn State’s roster of apps that barely work. Users will be asked to provide their Social Security numbers upon downloading the app.

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.