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Brainstorming Things Colder Than The Weather In Happy Valley

Bundle up, folks. Happy Valley is getting colder and colder by the day.

Since returning to campus last week, students have braced snow, sleet, ice, wind, and some pretty brutal conditions. Though snow days provide some solace from the terror of walking across Old Main Lawn with the wind destroying your uncovered face, sometimes it’s hard to imagine things worse than winter weather in State College.

With temperatures continuing to drop and our first official snow day of 2024 in the books, we decided to brainstorm some things that may actually be colder than the weather this week.

Micah Shrewsberry Leaving

After one hell of a season for the men’s basketball team last year, highlighted by a Big Ten Tournament Championship appearance and first-round March Madness victory, former head coach Micah Shrewsberry, said “Peace out, girl scout” to the boys in blue. Pretty cold, Micah.

The Average Body Temperature Of Freshmen Waiting In Line At The Den

If you’ve walked past the Den on a Tuesday night, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Freshmen sardine together like a pack of penguins in a line that is way too long.

Neeli Bendapudi Raising Tuition

Even after making billions, Penn State still decided to increase student tuition rates. Touché, Neeli.

James Franklin’s Bald Head

Although I have no concrete proof, something tells me the tippity-top of that smooth, hairless head is pretty chilly. Maybe invest in a beanie or two, coach.

75-Minute Lectures

Nothing is worse than listening to a professor yap uninterrupted for 75 minutes straight.

The Heart Of A Professor Who Asks For Written Confirmation That A Family Member Died

The worst kind of professors. You know who you are.

Pollock Testing Center

Often compared to prison or hell, there was no way Pollock Testing Center wasn’t making this list. Even just thinking about being in that dungeon gives me the ick.

When An Alum Won’t Connect With You On LinkedIn

Not very “we are” of them…

Berkey Creamery Ice Cream

Ah, the creamery. A Penn State staple. Maybe not in the winter, though…

George Atherton’s Body

When you complain to your friends about the walk to class in the cold weather, just remember, at least you’re not a corpse buried on campus.

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About the Author

Evan Halfen

Evan Halfen is a junior broadcast journalism major from Newark, DE, and is one of Onward State's associate editors. Evan loves all things Penn State, tailgating, being loud, just about any beach, and his puppies, Butterscotch and Wentzy. You can direct all your tips, roasts, and jokes to his Instagram: @evan.halfen or email: [email protected]

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