Long ago, the lot behind Osmond Laboratory was a haven — a perfectly placed shortcut for students navigating campus and a hidden path to avoid the shoulder-to-shoulder traffic of the main roads.

No more. In its place, we’ve been given a massive pit. Just another site for some new building that won’t be finished for years. 

Even if it’s sad to see, big holes make way for new things. There are millions of things we could do with it while we wait for this hypothetical building. After a powerful bout of brainstorming, we’ve devised a few wonderful ways we could make use of this chasm.

A Very, Very Large Pool

I’ve heard we already have pools. I don’t care. Fill her up. The Osmond trench would make a wonderful pool. Take a second and picture it — sunlight bouncing off the surrounding buildings, kids splashing around the edges, braver ones diving down and messing with the construction equipment. Beach chairs lined around the edge with non-swimmers trying to tan. It’s a nice picture, isn’t it? We think so too.

Office Hours

Why not? It’s a great idea. Office hours are a vital resource for students to keep up and understand their classes. It’s too easy. This is college, the weak should not be coddled.

If a student needs to attend office hours that badly, there should be more of a challenge. They should be running the gauntlet, dodging stray nails, and spin-moving past construction workers. They should sit in the cold, hoping their silly questions are answered before bad weather crushes them with impunity. We’re surprised the administrators haven’t done this yet, it seems like such a no-brainer.

Graduation

While the Bryce Jordan Center is probably the fancier option, it isn’t representative of Penn State student life as a whole. Graduation should be held somewhere in the heart of Penn State, both literally and metaphorically.

Yallah Taco couldn’t fit enough people, so the Osmond trench is our best bet. When a student’s name is called, they’ll face one last challenge, sliding down to get their diploma. It’s symbolic, poetic, and we get a little fresh air for once. Sorry if we spoiled anyone’s real graduation with this idea. It’ll never be the same.

Basketball Games

Lately, basketball fans have been pining for more games in the Rec Hall over the BJC. This isn’t a bad idea, but let’s take it a step further and drop them in the Osmond hole.

Let’s face it, seeing our Nittany Lions duke it out in the abyss would be legendary. Fans could stand on the rim, screaming into the chasm while the players avoid construction equipment and loose nails. The added difficulty would bring a level of excitement to the game that it desperately needs. Drop some concessions in there, and you’ve got a party!

Football Season Ticket Sales

With this past season’s change to a random raffle to choose student tickets, we ask our administrators this: Why not make it more painful?

It seems they’re going in a direction to make it harder for students to get tickets, so the next natural step is to sell season tickets only in person, with one person working the register. In this spirit, why not put it in the Osmond hole? Give your beloved students a true challenge and make them sit in a single-file line stretching for miles, only for the destination to be a chasm of despair.

On the final stretch, students must keep their balance so they don’t fall down the hill, removing themselves from the line. Imagine the joy they’ll feel when, after weeks of waiting, they make it to the front and discover that the tickets are sold out! It’s perfect, it’s exactly what this school stands for.

Fight Club

The Osmond hole has perfect fight club vibes — I see nothing better. The contestants can brawl at the bottom of the hole, while the onlookers cheer on the rim, holding beer hidden by brown paper bags. The vibes are immaculate.

An ongoing construction project like this has so many opportunities for an up-and-coming fight club. A lot of sharp objects, deadly machines, and dust to throw in the opponent’s eyes. Seeing two idiots maul each other in such a place would be a dream come true if you ask us.

A Building

Maybe one day, as the construction people continue their work, a building will rise from the depths of that chasm. Who knows if we’ll see it anytime soon? Considering the amount of construction projects going on at this school, there’s no way it will get finished in the next five years, at a minimum. But, hey, we’ll see.