I own a little black book.

Some people get a little weirded out when they see it. They see it come out of my pocket, though rarely smoothly, and they jump to the thought that it’s an incredibly long list of everyone who has ever wronged me.

That, obviously, is not correct. That’s in my big red book.

The book is really just a notebook. I keep any thoughts and questions for interviews in there, and I write down any notes I’ll need for a story.

I’ve used this particular notebook since the winter of my junior year, and it’s just about done. I like to open it all the way when I write in it, so the spine is pretty splintered, some pages look like they’re about to fall out, and the folder in the back is no longer capable of actually holding anything. The tassel that acts as a bookmark lost its glue a while back, and it’s somehow been hanging onto the back this whole time. The corners are a little scuffed, and there are about two pages left.

I’ve been feeling a little like that notebook lately. Running out of pages, cracked along the spine, and a good bit scuffed around the edges.

I’ve been trying to ignore that the end is near. For the last year, I have poured my full being into Onward State as its managing editor, leading a staff of just over 70 through the many, many ups and downs of the 2024-25 school year. It has been the greatest honor of my life to lead such fantastic men and women who pour so much devotion into this little blog. It’s scuffed me around the edges quite a bit, but I’m not quite sure I’m ready to hop off the ride.

Yet, this is goodbye.

I’ve been trying to fill up my notebook without running out of pages. I’ve tried to get more bylines in Onward State. I’ve been trying to go out with friends more. I’ve been trying to do all the things that a Penn State student should do.

If you’re reading this, I’m out of time. 

I had a good ride. I don’t leave Penn State feeling that I missed out on anything or that I didn’t use my time to the fullest. I have some really incredible friends, and I’ve done some really incredible things. 

I’ve had my highs. I’ve broken some really good stories and helped others break some, too. I’ve written about 2.5% of all content ever on this website. I’ve been to Rantoul, Illinois; Los Angeles; Miami; and more. I covered a World Cup in New Zealand and got dangerously close to some seals (man, I miss that peach beer). I pissed off the NCAA and Penn State Athletics. I spent this last year in a house with my three best friends, which has been awesome – the house has a grill and a fire pit and everything.

I’ve had my lows. I’ve struggled with mixing alcohol and depression, which, shockingly, made everything worse. I got pretty damn close to drafting a suicide note on a sunny Tuesday in November 2022. The reason none of you read it was that I had to attend a COMM 260W class with a professor I really liked, so I never got around to it. I blew it as managing editor so, so many times. I got inappropriately involved in a presidential election, almost sent Nick Singleton and Carter Starocci into the transfer portal (sorry, guys), and started a mini-war in our comment sections. I watched Notre Dame win a football game in person, which is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I would do it all again.

I loved my university, I loved my blog, and, above all, I loved the people I worked with. I’ve been incredibly humbled to walk into 113 Carnegie each Sunday afternoon and be greeted by some truly bright men and women. The staffers I worked with were among Penn State’s best, and I was incredibly lucky to have them on my side.

The pages in that little black book are almost out. When I walk across the stage in the Bryce Jordan Center, they’ll be all gone. I’ll have dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s. I’ll move into the world of salaries, PTO, and 401 (k) deposits.

When the next chapter of my life starts, I’ll get another little black book. Maybe this time, it won’t waste so much goddamn money on bar covers.

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I do, of course, have way too many thank yous. You don’t have to stick around for this part, but I hope you do. I can’t say thank you to everyone, but I will try.

To my mom and dad, who supported me through my highs and lows: Thank you for forcing me to tour Penn State. Thank you for picking up the phone. In four years at Penn State, all I wanted was to make you proud. I hope I came close.

To my sisters, who are about to give the world two more Penn Staters: As the baby incredibly grown-up, mature, etc. brother, I always wanted to try and succeed like you both have. Thank you for answering my calls at hours you shouldn’t have and giving advice that I needed. 

To Casey, Kevin, and Tyler: When I had nobody else around me rooting for me, I had you. Thank you for making several houses into homes with me. The worst part of graduating will be that I can’t wake up and start calling you [REDACTED] within five minutes. 

To Alex and Angelina, who decided we were cool enough to hang around: Thanks for sticking it out, for some reason. I’m incredibly blessed to call you folks friends.

To Ashley: Thank you for trusting the process. I’m writing this while you’re still in England, but I’m incredibly proud of you and the work you put into becoming managing editor. Please always remember how bright, talented, and prepared you are for this role. 

To the East Halls merchant CJ, Ally, Yadz, Cooper, Juice, Collin, Oscar, and the rest of the crew who will run this hellsite starting, well, at the exact instant this post goes live: I am so proud of each of you. You’re an incredibly talented group that was meant for this.

To a certain Penn State football beat reporter: You’ve got worse hair than James and a worse ego than Lane Kiffin. I hope your dumbass camera gets run over by a Penn State parking enforcement meter maid.

To Dan: Sell the blog.

To John Affleck, Mike Poorman, Maggie Messitt, and Walter Middlebrook: I can’t repay any of you for the help I’ve gotten over the past few years. I have, often stubbornly, learned so much from each of you. 

To the many, many Onward State friends I’ve made over the years – CJ, Milk, Nolan, Contrib Steve, Gabe, Frankie, Babe, Mitch, Yocum, Slynn, Jack Scott, De E, Cooper, Kyra, Flen, James, Rico, Evan, Maya, Matt Brown, and the slew of others whom I’m certainly forgetting and feel terrible about: You’re awesome, awesome people who made every day with Onward State an absolute blessing. Many of you deserve far more than a short blurb, but you already know what you mean to me. Godspeed.

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“Suffering in the past only makes success in the future that much greater.” – Me, sophomore year