The United States government has been shut down for over a month now, as negotiations to reopen continue. This pause in government got me thinking: how would students function if our own ‘governing body’ here on campus shut down? Would professors teach without pay? Would the university descend into chaos? Here’s what I believe would happen at Penn State if we had to deal with the same closures the government is.

CATA Buses Suspended

With no CATA bus drivers to keep the bloop and the whloop in service, freshmen would have to *gasp* walk from East Halls all the way to Forum. All freshman girls would also have to brave the elements and walk all the way to frat row on a night out instead of conveniently hopping on school-provided transportation. This would prove to be a real nightmare for underclassmen.

Football Players Must Walk To Class Without Their Golf Cart Drivers

Along these same lines of transportation, we’ve all seen the football team getting towed back and forth from their classes like the campus celebrities we know them to be. Now, imagine if they didn’t have their trusty golf cart drivers to keep them out of harm’s way on their way to school. They’d have to walk to all their classes like us regular people do daily.

Lion Cash Suspended

With the university shut down, Lion Cash is void as a money source. Students across campus must use their own money to buy their daily Edge and laundry cycles. No one can ask restaurants downtown if they take Lion Cash.

Neeli Enjoys Her Time Off

With no work to do, President Bendapudi could enjoy her recent raise and take a vacation wherever she pleases.

All Athletic Programs Suspended

Many public services get shut down when the government closes. Unable to pay their coaches, the university would make the executive decision to suspend all athletics programs for the time being. Kids wouldn’t mind this one as much right now; we’d revel in the chance to not have to watch another Penn State football loss.

Willard Preacher Would Continue Preaching

He’s already preaching without pay, no shutdown could stop him.

Essential Workers

Most employees get sent home during a government shutdown. A select few, including air traffic control and law enforcement, must continue to work without pay. So who would be Penn State’s essential workers that must continue showing up to work despite the closure of campus? The Pollock Testing Center ladies. These ladies work tirelessly dawn til dusk running Pollock Testing Center like drill sergeants and you can bet that no government shutdown would ever keep them from their post.