Going out in State College is a sacred ritual. You rally, you wait in line, you overpay for drinks, and eventually, inevitably, unfortunately, nature calls. In that moment of truth, nothing matters more than the bathroom you’re about to walk into. Is it clean? Is there a line? Will the floor be inexplicably wet? Will they be sticky?

Students judge Penn State bars on many things: types of drinks, drink specials, vibes, DJs who think 2016 never ended, and even overall march madness style, but their bathrooms are where reputations are truly made or destroyed. After far too many nights of wishing I had just held it ’til I got home, I’ve taken it upon myself to do the impossible: power rank Penn State bar bathrooms, from surprisingly survivable to genuinely lawless parts of this Earth.

No. 10 The Shandygaff Bathroom

If you’ve ever been to the Gaff, you already knew this was coming. Gaffeoke is electric. The bathroom? A federally unregulated nightmare. After a couple of beers, being forced into a divider-less urinal lineup next to a toilet with no door feels less like a bathroom break and more like an endurance test. I’m not convinced this setup is legal in any state, let alone Pennsylvania. This bathroom has been the subject of urban legends, group chats, and what I can only describe as medieval fantasy football punishments. For your safety and sanity, just… don’t. The Gaff earns the undisputed #10 spot.

No. 9 The Cafe 210 Bathroom

Cafe 210 proudly continues the tradition of “what if we made this worse?” The two-step climb to the bathroom feels ceremonial, like you’re ascending to be humbled. Inside, you’ll find divider-less urinals and a toilet door that offers about as much privacy as a shower curtain in a hurricane. To make matters worse, the bathroom is essentially on display; if you can’t see it while walking by, your nose absolutely can. After a few pitchers, this bathroom becomes unavoidable, much like your regrets the next morning. Cafe slides into No. 9.

No. 8 The Bill Pickle’s Bathroom

Bill Pickle’s bathroom is a study in contradictions. It’s usually clean. The lighting is elite, truly the best you’ll ever look while questioning your life choices. But the capacity? Criminal. On a busy night, the two-urinal, one-toilet setup turns into a bottleneck that blocks servers and creates a human traffic jam. You’ll spend more time waiting than actually using the bathroom, which feels wrong on a spiritual level. Clean, well-lit, but painfully underprepared. Pickle’s lands at No. 8.

No. 7 The Zeno’s Pub Bathroom

Welcome back to the no-divider club. Zeno’s bathroom has a way of making you realize you might actually be pee shy. That said, the bathroom fits the bar: small, weird, and steeped in history. The walls are covered in decades of Sharpie messages, carvings, and doodles, a chaotic archive of State College’s collective consciousness. It’s part bathroom, part museum exhibit, part cry for help. You may be uncomfortable, but you won’t be bored. For vibes alone, Zeno’s earns No. 7.

No. 6 The Sharkies Bathroom

Sharkies is a blast until it’s time to pee. The single-stall setup means you’ve likely waited in line long enough to reconsider your choices, only to be greeted by harsh lighting and a mysteriously wet floor. It’s giving gas station energy. That said, credit where credit’s due: having both a urinal and a toilet lets you choose your own adventure. Not great, not terrible. Sharkies floats into the No. 6 spot.

No. 5 A’s Pub (McLanahan’s) Bathroom

This ranking may be slightly biased because A’s is my favorite bar in State College, but hear me out. Some critics claim this bathroom can get a little gross, which I honestly blame on the patrons, not the facility itself. It’s a large, single-use bathroom that offers a rare sense of privacy in this town. The only downside is the wait; people take their sweet time in there. Like, set up a chair and have a drink while you wait, sweet time. Still, don’t let that stop you from grabbing a beer at A’s. It earns a respectable No. 5.

No. 4 The Champs Bathroom

Now we’re in the zone. Champs is a masterclass in bathroom logistics. With both upstairs and downstairs restrooms, there’s almost always somewhere to go, and usually no line. While the women’s line can get long, the men’s room rarely has that issue. Plenty of stalls, plenty of urinals, and enough space to handle a bar full of people chugging dollar vodka sodas. While the drinks may give you nightmares the next morning, the bathroom surely won’t. Champs does it right and earns the No. 4 spot.

No. 3 The Brothers Bathroom

Brothers did not come to play. Urinals everywhere. Two stalls. Plenty of sinks. Soap that actually exists. A foot-pull door so you don’t have to raw-dog the handle on your way out. It’s modern, efficient, and shockingly pleasant. I’ve rarely waited here, which is exactly what you want when the seal is broken. Brothers earn the No. 3 spot with authority.

No. 2 The Doggies Bathroom

Doggies is undefeated when it comes to volume. The bathroom is massive, packed with urinals and an abundance of stalls, meaning you’re rarely waiting. It’s consistently clean, and the wall inscriptions deserve to be archived by the university. There’s history here. There’s poetry here. There are probably sociology dissertations waiting to be written here. Heck, put it in a museum for all I care. For sheer capacity and reliability, Doggies grabs No. 2.

Honorable Mention: The Local Whiskey Bathroom

While I didn’t include Local Whiskey in the official rankings, it deserves recognition. The bathroom is clean, smells good (somehow), and offers two urinals and a stall, just enough to support your whiskey-drinking needs. It’s honorable, it’s mentionable, and it sets the bar high. Still, when it comes to bar bathrooms, there can only be one true winner…

No. 1 The Chumleys’ Bathroom

Without further ado, the best bar bathroom in State College belongs to Chumley’s. If you haven’t been, you’re missing out. It’s a fun, inclusive bar with great decor, solid cocktails, and a genuinely welcoming atmosphere, and yes, that extends to the bathroom. The single-use, gender-neutral bathrooms are clean, well-decorated, and downright pleasant. For a smaller bar, two bathrooms are more than enough, and they’re consistently top-tier. If you’re going out and have the choice, this is the bathroom to use. I couldn’t recommend it more.

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