Vote Or Die


Listen, you may have gotten the sweet talk from Eli and Davis, but we’re beyond that at this point. If Onward State is going to win U.S. News And World Report’s Best Alternative Media Outlet, we need your help. At this time, we’re in 4th place with just 9 percent of the vote. It’s time to pull out the big guns.

As a mere college student/writer, I cannot offer much more than myself. Apparently the appeal of rhetoric alone isn’t enough to propel our motley crew to the top, so I will put up one Mark-act-of-shame if we pull it out and win this thing. One of the following will be done (reader’s choice), and filmed by another member of Onward State, in the event that our readers pull together and vote us to victory:

1) I will eat Creamery ice cream until I vomit.

2) I will pen a multi-part erotic novella chronicling the misadventures of Fake Graham Spanier.

3) I will show up to a crowded lecture class as Green Man, and only leave when the class ends or the professor confronts me.

So send the link to friends, family, Penn State alumni, bandwagon Penn State fans, neighbors, fictional characters, coworkers, homeless people with computers, estranged relatives, Gary Busey, ANYONE that could possibly help us win this thing. The polls close February 17th, so TIME IS RUNNING OUT!

Vote here. Or Die.


About Author

Mark McColey is a Senior majoring in Advertising and Labor-Employment relations. Among his loves are Penn State Football, The Steelers, The Penguins, The Simpsons, Tina Fey, and Arrested Development.


  1. Congratulations on your cheating.

    Let me give you some stats on your percentages for the night:

    5:00pm – 10.05% of the vote
    7:10pm – 10.41% of the vote
    8:20pm – 10.43% of the vote
    10:30pm – 23.02% of the vote

    In two hours, you gained about 13% of the vote. I know Penn State is a big school, but the jump is physically impossible. It is the equivalent of having gained nearly a thousand votes per hour. You literally got more votes in two hours than any other blog except the Timothy Dwight Blog. Congratulations on cheating.

  2. All Penn State voters, stop voting!!!! Some people don’t think you’re coming by this victory honestly. So, honestly, just stop, it’ll make the Yalies very happy. They’re used to winning, except when it comes to playing Harvard in football.

  3. Wait, people whining about losing? Especially the Ivies? This is unheard of. Fucking pricks. Go back to reading your philosophy books, politicking, and bragging about your SAT scores while sucking at life, while the rest of us try to change the world realistically. Kudos Onward State, for taking the initiative to make something happen. I’m glad you guys are keeping up with this. This is an awesome blog and now one of my daily reads. Shut up Big Rek. Shut up God.

    Sorry for the language, Davis. Mark, you better hit up every single room in Forum and repeat the same act. Someone better film it and put it on YouTube too.

  4. Hahah I never said multiple times…just once.

    Besides, it’s the people’s choice – who’s to say I won’t need my vomit bucket soon?

  5. Pingback: The People Have Spoken | Onward State

  6. Pingback: Mission Accomplished | Onward State