We have the perfect plan for the frattier students in Smeal.

Join Kappa Beta Phi, Wall Street’s premier fraternity. True, it’s Wall Street’s only fraternity, but premier nonetheless.

The Wall Street Journal has an article featuring the organization. We thought it’d be fun to see how well Kappa Beta Phi lives up to the fraternity tenets set forth by the likes of Roy Baker and the IFC.

THE IFC SAYS: Fraternities are tolerant.
WALL STREET JOURNAL SAYS: The group’s humor is anything but politically correct. One crude joke took aim at Rep. Barney Frank’s treatment of the U.S. taxpayer, with a reference to Mr. Frank’s sexual orientation. Mr. Frank is the first openly gay member of Congress.

THE IFC SAYS: Fraternities are more than just drinking societies.
WALL STREET JOURNAL SAYS: Kappa Beta Phi’s key has images of a hand, a beer stein, champagne tumbler and five stars. The stars represent Hennessy cognac and the hand is there to hold a glass.

THE IFC SAYS: Fraternities can be pretty classy.
WALL STREET JOURNAL SAYS: Society members, some wearing the society’s key on a red ribbon around their necks, started with cocktails then moved on to dinner of beef tenderloin and cheap wine — $10 bottles of Chilean cabernet sauvignon.

THE IFC SAYS: Fraternities produce some of the nation’s most successful men.
WALL STREET JOURNAL SAYS: The material was choice, since in the year since the group last met, all five of Wall Street’s major independent investment firms have been taken over, have failed or have been transformed into commercial banks.

THE IFC SAYS: Fraternities no longer haze like they used to.
WALL STREET JOURNAL SAYS: Together with professional coaches, the Neophytes stage Wall Street’s version of pledge night. This year, at the suggestion of last year’s class, the male Neophytes appeared in falsies and pigtail wigs, some in gold and bright pink. The men, some sporting a dab of blush, also wore cheerleader skirts and shirts bearing the society’s Greek letters.