“How To Get All The Ladies, Part 1”
Sup dudes. Chad here again. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and said to yourself, “I’m a failure of a human with no love life. How can I get all the ladies, like that sexy Chad fellow?” If you have, then you are in luck today! For I have compiled some advice for all of the B2Bs (Bros 2 Be for those not ‘in the know’) out there who want to get lots of women but don’t know how. Let’s begin!
Part 1: Attire
If you even want to be considered by the vast amount of females, you need to look good.
“But Chad!,” I can hear you type angrily, “Isn’t inner beauty the truest of all beauties?”
Moving on, there are a few staples of your wardrobe that you should always have when trying to snag a bro-ette. A collared shirt is a must. If you don’t own one, you may as well stop trying and become a monk. The collared shirt may be any color, although pink and bright green are always safe choices. When you wear a collared shirt, the collar MUST be popped. If God didn’t want us to pop our collars, he would have forced gravity to bring them down.You’ll snag more bro points if you layer multiple popped collars. On the subject of gravity, use tons of hair gel. Pointy hair was a sexual symbol in ancient Greece, and you know how many ladies the Greeks got!
Next, you’ll need some jeans. Don’t go out looking for love in jeans that cost less than $200. Ladies aren’t gonna be drawn to the guy in the Wal-Mart jeans. Besides, you can’t put a price on style. I suggest any jeans that LOOK like they’ve been worn a lot, but actually haven’t been worn much at all. Never keep a pair of jeans for more than a month.
Accessories define the man. You will want at least one earring on your left earlobe for maximum babeage. One on each earlobe is also totally cool, but never put one on only the right lobe. Chicks think that’s nasty. A nice pair of Aviator sunglasses will make you look like a rockstar and let the women know that you like to party (this is very important, trust me). Fancy watches and big rings with nice expensive jewels will let people know that you are tough, have money, and are willing to spend it for sexual needs. Cha-ching.
Remember that the ladies like a bronzed man. Getting a tan is an excellent idea, but sunbathing outside or at a beach can be damaging to the skin. Instead, go to a tanning salon or get a tanning spray! They’re quicker, easier, less harmful, and, in my humble opinion, they make you look a lot better.
A final note on attire – use Axe Body Spray. Breathe Axe. Bathe in Axe. You can never have enough. Ladies love the smell of Axe and will be immediately attracted to you. Haven’t you seen the commercials? This one displays what will happen very nicely, although I suggest using at least 5 times as much Axe. Remember, more is more.
So there you have it. Now you should look something like this:
[Photos Courtesty of Hot Chicks with Douchebags]
Now that you have the looks, how can you get chicks that are so hot that the Sun will look at them and say “Dayum, that’s hot!”? Come back tomorrow to check out Part 2 of my infallible “How To Get All The Ladies” advice. Peace, bros.
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About the Author
If you’ve been brave enough to leave your dorm or apartment, we hope you had the good sense to build a snowman.
Onward State staffer Ethan Kasales reflects on the past few years and everyone who helped make his college experience so rewarding.
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