Natty Chad and the Two-Year Spring Break
or: Spring Break 2k10, 2k11, and 2k12 Or: How I Learned To Stop Being A Bro And Follow My Heart, My Dreams, And The Love Of My Life
Holy shit. What a wild ride. I can’t believe three years have passed so quickly. No spring break could ever compare to mine.
Wait, hold on. I should probably give you some background info.
When Onward State first started in November 2008, I was brought in to write a column called the Bro Call, where I’d add a bro’s perspective on the issues surrounding Penn State. We had a lot of laughs and a lot of high fives. That is, until October 2009. I wrote a review of the Dizzy Gillespie All Star Big Band, which came to Eisenhower Auditorium. To put it lightly, I didn’t care for it. Not enough Dave Matthews jams!
Needless to say, people didn’t take kindly to my review. If you read the comments, you can see people calling for my lynching and saying that my review was the “sloppiest, lamest piece of unfunny horseshit I’ve ever read on OWS.” The head honchos at Onward State thought my review was awful, too, and they fired me on the spot.
I was heartbroken. Onward State was the only home I knew. After crying (manly tears) for what seemed like a week straight, I decided to rush a fraternity, [FRATERNITY NAME REDACTED]. While at [FRATERNITY NAME REDACTED], I bonded with my brothers. We shared stories, stayed up late talking about our feelings, and threw around the old frisbee. It kicked ass, but I still felt a longing in my heart, a longing that couldn’t be filled by good old fashioned bronanigans.
Cut to Spring semester, 2010. My brothers at [FRATERNITY NAME REDACTED] and I were planning a Spring Break trip to Cancun, Mexico with our sister sorority, [SORORITY NAME REDACTED]. It was shaping up to be the best week of my life–all the brews, babes, and beach volleyballs I could ever dream of.
What I didn’t realize, though, was that I would find what I had been searching for since leaving Onward State: love.
The moment I set foot on the beaches of Cancun, I knew I had found her. She was a sorority sister in [SORORITY NAME REDACTED]. Her name? Sam. We fell for each other immediately. I knew she wasn’t just another dime for me to use and lose. She was the real deal, and she felt the same way about me. We bonded over our favorite Phish bootlegs and EDM producers while drinking Bud Light With Lime. Heaven… Or so I thought.
I’ll never forget the date: Wednesday, March 10, 2010. After another relaxing day on the beach, I decided to grab another round of drinks for Sam and myself. I was only gone for three minutes, but that was enough. When I got back, she was gone, and all that remained was a short note, written in newspaper clippings to disguise the identity of the author.
We’ve taken her, Chad, It said. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Sincerely, The Management.
All was lost. How could I possibly go back to my brothers at [FRATERNITY NAME REVOKED], having lost the love of my life? Hell, how was I supposed to tell the sisters at [SORORITY NAME REVOKED] that they had one fewer sister, and that it was all my fault? I would be disowned, without a doubt. But that’s when I heard a soft, firm voice calling from across the shore.
“If you want your girl back, come with me.” The mysterious man said, “I can teach you how to find her, but it won’t be easy.”
I followed the mysterious man, who guided me to his private jet, which took me to his private island. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have gotten onto a plane with a man whom I met five minutes prior and whose name I still didn’t know, but love can drive you to do some crazy things.
When we arrived at his private island, he told me, “You see, your problem is that you’re too much of a bro. For instance, when you went to get more drinks for you and your ladyfriend, you went to the Bud Light With Lime tent. Had you gone to the regular bar, you would have had a clear visual on her kidnappers. I’m gonna teach you how to become a true gentleman. Then, and only then, will you be ready to save your girl.”
Almost two years went by. He taught me lesson after lesson after lesson. How to talk. How to treat women. What not to wear (RIP pinnie collection). The list goes on. After he deemed that I was finally ready, he dropped a final piece of wisdom: “Here is the address of the Evil Crime Syndicate that took your girlfriend. You’re finally ready to confront them. Godspeed.”
“But wait,” I said, “I don’t even know your name!”
“You can just call me Elias,” he said, “Now go. You can take my private jet (paid for with your Student Activity Fee).”
I arrived at a dark, abandoned room, full of ongoing construction. Somehow, it looked familiar. Then I saw something that caught my eye–it was Sam, and she was tied to a pillar!
“It took you long enough,” a voice said to me, “My name is John Levels, and this is my new nightclub, Levels. You may be wondering why your girlfriend is tied up to this pillar. The answer is quite simple. She is providing the foundation for Levels!”
“I’m confused,” I said. “Do you mean Levels the nightclub, or you, John Levels?”
“Ugh, not this shit again,” he sighed to me, “Look, when I’m talking about my nightclub, I’ll call it Levels. But if I’m referring to myself in the third person, I’ll call myself Mr. Levels. Got it?”
“Makes sense,” I said.
“You’re goddamn right it does. Now where was I? Oh yeah. She’s providing the foundation for Levels, THE NIGHTCLUB. You see, your girlfriend Sam over here seems to attract the bro-est of bros, which are my main clientele and lifeblood. By channeling her attraction, I will be able to have a dominant market share of all bros in the State College area. I’ll make MILLIONS, Indigo will be in ruins, and there is nothing you can do to stop it!”
I was shocked. No wonder I was so attracted to Sam! But this was bad. I needed to think of a way to save Sam, no matter the cost.
“SAM!” I shouted, “LISTEN TO ME IF YOU STILL LOVE ME. I AM A CHANGED MAN, NO LONGER THE SULLEN BRO YOU MET ONE FATEFUL DAY ON THE SHORES OF CANCUN. DO I PLAY HACKEY SACK ANYMORE? NO. DO I THROW AROUND A FRISBEE? ONLY SOMETIMES. IS FIST PUMPING A DAILY ACTIVITY FOR ME? MOSTLY NOT. BUT ONE THING HASN’T CHANGED–MY UNDYING AFFECTION FOR YOU.”
Right then and there, Sam declared her love of me. The feeling was so strong, it broke her free from the constraints of the fiendish Mr. Levels, and she was free, free to live a life with me.
“You should try making a business that’s…on the Level,” I said to Mr. Levels as I put on a pair of sunglasses and walked away with Sam, as happy as can be.
In conclusion, I learned a lot from Spring Break. Sure, I missed over two years of class, made my family and friends fear the worst, and lived on a private island with a man who may or may not have been UPUA’s Smeal College of Business Representative, but I found true love and discovered that there’s more to life than Nattys and pinnies. They say that in order to start a small journey of a thousand steps, you need to be the change you want to see in the world and walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Well I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and now I can retire in happiness with my dream girl, Sam.
PS: I was probably the guy who caused Levels to delay its opening a bunch of times. Sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.
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About the Author
“As soon as his football skills are really sharp, Jayson’s going to be unstoppable.”
Pulisic said he would’ve gone to Penn State if he didn’t blossom into a superstar in European soccer.
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