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UPUA Debate from A Guy Who Knows Nothing’m going to be straight up honest with all of you fine folk: I know very little about how our student government works here on campus. I got into it my freshman year, but when then-Vice President of Student Affairs Vicky Triponey came in and pooped on everything, including dissolving USG for what is now UPUA, I gave up. The whole thing seemed just a tad childish and not worth my time. Silly, even.

Which is why I attended the 2nd UPUA presidential debate last night – not only because I wanted to be informed, but also because I wanted to see something just plain silly. How I Met Your Mother was a re-run. You see, the debates tend to be poorly publicized on campus aside from in the Collegian, so it’s hard to have a serious debate when few people show up, and those who do are either reporters or campaign committee members. They tend to turn into he-said-she-said-that-other-guy said matches that seem… I dunno, silly.

Another thing I find silly and empty are awards shows. And since last night’s debate turned into a little bit of a silliness competition, I’ve decided to write about the debate in award-show style, because, let’s face it, that’s what these people really want – accolades! Oh, and helping the student body. That comes later.


Award for Best Bravado and Rhetoric: Nick Borsuk – As the underdog, Mr. Borsuk needed to get himself into the debate as much as possible. Granted, it was with empty promises and confusing contradictions, but damn if that fellow can’t hold a microphone and say things loudly.

Award for Most Underhanded Comment: Gavin Keirans – While everyone participated in a bit of mudslinging (and really, at college, who doesn’t love people fighting in the mud), Keirans took the first stab last night by congratulating Mr. Borsuk on attending his first UPUA meeting this week. Ha-cha-cha!

Award for Worst Decision: Alex Goodstein – The UPUA elections commissioner decided that since the mics weren’t working right in the first debate, we’d just get rid of them altogether and use one mic – then asked the audience to stop wasting time by applauding after each response… so that we could watch candidates pass the mic in silence, the way it was meant to be.

Award for Best Looking Candidate (Female): Tie, Samantha Miller, Katherine Paseka – Okay, I got bored at one point. And Miller and Paseka were the only girls on the panel, sure. But hey, they tried, and succeeded, at looking their best and allowing me to forget the economic crisis and spiraling tuition costs. Like everyone else.

Award for Best Looking Candidate (Male): Gavin Keirans – Come on. That man is gorgeous.

Award for Best Way to Make Me Feel Like I’m In High School Again: All – At one point, the debate spiraled out of control as each candidate threw the comments of ARSH President Kayla McPherson at one another (who, by the way, wasn’t even present), bringing me right back to the 10th grade when everyone claimed the hottest cheerleader loved me the most! Oh yeah, well I got a text message from her, she thinks your ugly! Shut up I hate you!

Winner of the Debate: Asher Roth – He loves college.

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About the Author


Ryan is a senior Media Studies major. In addition to writing for Onward State, you can find him performing with Full Ammo Improv Troupe ( and with No Refund Theatre ( on campus.

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