The STATEtorialist:Things I’ve Seen Enough Of
In every post I have ever made, I have made suggestions on what to wear, but not once have I ever suggested what not to wear. I’m a firm believer in the thought that if you’re told (or suggested) what not to do, you’re more likely to stray away from doing it. Hey, you have to fail before you learn to succeed, and I’ve made one or two of these mistakes on what I like to think of as the rough road I’ve taken to finally know what I’m talking about (ha ha). So read up and soak it in, because a lot of these faux pas that I notice all too often usually end up in a disappointing head shake from me, but not a solution to the problem. These are in no specific order, but you should not do any of them…please.
1. Brown and Pink – I don’t usually comment on aspects of women’s fashion, because I know so little about it. But this is something I see fading out and I’m hoping soon I’ll never see it again. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t stand these brown and pink tracksuits from Juicy Couture and all of their knock-offs and sister brands. I don’t know what it is about brown and pink together that annoys me, but it looks dumb, and I don’t know how Juicy sold so many. Don’t get me wrong, though, Juicy has some great stuff that I definitely don’t mind seeing many women wear.
2. Nice outfit+White ankle socks – This is short and sweet. If you’re going to dress up, do it from head to toe. Nothing ruins a well planned outfit by that short strip of white sock and half of your ankle showing. Ankle socks work with decent outfits sometimes, but not white ones. If you’re going to try to look nice, put on a colored sock and bring it all together.
3. Popped Collar – C’mon, Bro. Stop it. This actually was semi-legitimately cool for a little while, but only because Ralph Lauren had his models in ads do it. But even then, people managed to screw it up by wearing two polos and popping both collars. Anyway, those models could only pull it off because they were models. The kids with faux-hawks walking around my high school doing it looked horrible, and it still does. Luckily I haven’t seen this in a while, but in the rare instances in which I see a popped collar, I nearly vomit.
4. Perfectly Normal Dress Shirt+Massacred Collar – If there had to be a number one out of this list for me, this would probably be it. Unfortunately in years past, this is one of the mistakes that I myself have made. Nothing ruins a dress shirt like a collar that’s flawed. It all starts in the wash. You can’t wash a collared button down like you do a normal t-shirt. If you wash and dry and pay no attention, so much can go wrong, and I’ve seen too many guys let it be that way. Bad things that can happen? Well, the classic is the curled, bent collar point. There’s also the wavy wrinkle, and what I like to call the Superman collar, which is spread so wide that it touches your shoulder blades the second you unbutton that second button (the second button makes or breaks the shirt, reference Seinfeld’s first and last episode). When these three powers combine, not even Captain Planet can save you from looking sloppy. Remember, just because it’s a collared dress shirt doesn’t mean you “look nice!” or “dressed up!” as some mistaken people might say to you.
5. Plain Black Dress Shirt – This is most likely just a personal problem that I have, but I feel the need to share it. I don’t like plain black dress shirts. One thing that has always made me cringe is the black suit-black shirt-red tie combination. I’ve seen Green Day do it a lot, maybe subconsciously that’s why I can’t stand them. Other than goths and vamps, I see a lot of guys wearing black dress shirts to formals around here, and if that is your thing, then that’s fine by me, but in my opinion, there are a ton of better options. I think too many people are afraid of the classic white dress shirt and black tie because they think it’s boring. Really, though, it’s quite classy. Ask James Bond (his is a tux, though).
6. T-Shirt with Text on it Under a Dress Shirt – First of all, when you wear a collared shirt, be careful how low you unbutton it. If you insist on unbuttoning 4 or 5 buttons, make sure that it’s not to reveal your t-shirt that says “F.B.I. Female Body Inspector”. Shirtless+5 buttons down, you better have a serious 6-pack.
7. Canvas Belts that Hang Down – There are plenty of competent canvas belts out there, but if you are wearing one and that little piece is hanging straight down underneath your shirt and over your leg, you’ve made a serious mistake. I think you know what I’m talking about–guys walking around with what looks like a rip cord for an inflatable vest that’s under their shirt. There are belt loops on your pants for a reason. Buy a belt that fits and tuck it in them .
8. Wool Hats with a Regular Cap Brim – You know, those hats that look like winter hats, but have the brim of a normal hat, kind of like a fitted/toboggan hybrid. Don’t wear them. They were mistaken for cool for literally 3 minutes.
9. Anything Affliction or Ed Hardy (and every brand that for some reason tries to imitate them) – I could honestly write a thousand words why I hate how popular these two brands have gotten. Remember those Von Dutch and John Deer hats? That’s what I thought this would be, but somehow they are prevailing, and people continue to look like tools in them every day. Props to Christian Audigier of Ed Hardy for becoming so rich and famous off of this style, but I am dumbfounded how he continues to be successful. All my faith was lost when I saw him featured in Gentleman’s Quarterly. Luckily, their piece on him praised him as a businessman and never really said anything nice about his clothes. Anyway, I know I can’t stop people from wearing these ridiculous tees, but I’ve long kept my mouth shut about how dumb they look. Oh, and if you have one with rhinestones, I just feel sorry for you.
10. Necklace with a # as the charm – No one cares what number you were on your high school hockey team. The only exceptions for this one are current athletes. So if J.O. and Sean Lee wanna rep the 91 and 45, go ahead, you’ve earned it (I won’t argue with millionaires). But no one cares that you came in third and had 6 goals in the northeastern south sector division 5. If you insist on wearing this, tuck it in so no one can see.
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About the Author
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The first-ever White Out crowd for a Pep Rally witnessed the gymnasts destroy the football team in the final round of the competition.
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