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Graham Spanier Sleeps With Freshmen

As many of you may know, Graham Spanier is in touch with the student body. They don’t pay him the big bucks for nothing. He gets involved, and he knows what’s going on. Perhaps the best tool available to him is his yearly tradition of spending move-in weekend in a freshman residence hall. By doing this, he’s able to get to know some students, check up on the condition of student life, and make a good impression.

Through the Penn State Facebook page, he shared some of his thoughts from the experience. My purely satirical, 100% not Graham Spanier comments are in bold (please don’t sue us, Penn State).

Kids, try this at home: You know that fortune cookie thing where you add “in bed” after your fortune? Do that at the end of each of these.

– I arrived a little later than usual on Friday, so the bottom bunks were all taken this year (dagnabbit kids, it’s not my fault I was late. My maid, Francesca, put the umbrella rack on the wrong side of the door so I had to reprimand her. Harshly). As a resident of a top bunk I can report that college men never have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, whereas those of us over 50 do, and negotiating that ladder in the dark can be a challenge.

– I love to sleep, but I can’t believe how long my roommates slept (even after I crawled into bed with them). We all went to bed about 2 a.m. each night, but I was up by 9 a.m., while the majority of my seven roommates began stirring as late as noon.

– Our new freshmen come loaded with Penn State school spirit. Attendance was nearly 100 percent at the President’s Convocation and at “Be a Part From the Start.” They know the cheers and can’t wait to get involved (unlike the freshman class last year. I’m watching you. Always).

– Their eyes are bigger than their stomachs, as my mother used to say (and my, they have such large stomachs. Mrs. Obama, you’re losing the war on obesity). I was surprised how much food they took at meals that they then didn’t eat. I asked some women why they didn’t eat all they took. One answer was: “The grapes aren’t as flavorful as the ones I’m used to.” Note: I thought the grapes were fine.

– New students seem to be in awe of the size and scope of Penn State. One student said, “I can’t believe Penn State has its own library!” I have no idea where he thought we went for books and other services (the library has all kinds of services, if you know what I mean).

– The poker craze seems to have passed (I miss poker. Now I only get my poker fix by watching hours of World Series of Poker on ESPN and spending student tuition money on FullTiltPoker. Dangit acesfly764, your catching that flush cost Penn State a new pool).

– Students hook up their computers before they even make their beds (when I was in college, we didn’t have computers. Or beds).

– They have a lot of “stuff.”  A lot. One woman brought a beanbag chair as big as a bed. Her parents asked me what they should do. I suggested they take it back home, since our residence hall rooms are smaller than most of their bedrooms at home (whereas my bedroom at home is bigger than most of their homes).

-The fun begins late. I did a midnight magic show, and at 1 a.m. many of the students were still raring to go (I love it when people are still raring to go at 1 a.m.).

I think his staying with the freshmen is a great way to show his willingness to connect, even if it does sometimes show that he’s old. Happens to the best of us.

About the Author

Noah Simmons

Noah is an International Politics major minoring in French. Noah participates in the Mock Trial team, the Sailing Team, and is the president/founder of the Odyssey of the Mind club. Besides pushing the limit of what is journalistically acceptable, Noah enjoys long walks on the beach and football. In a previous lifetime he was William Wallace


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