HUB Titles: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time. Critiquing a “Twilight” film just might be the most fun a reviewer ever has. Fans and haters alike know exactly what I’m talking about. Of course, every film should be judged by its own merits and not the terrible book series it is based upon.

The Premise: Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is totes crushing on BF Edward Cullen (<3 Robert Pattinson <3) in lame Forks, Washington. Total bitch Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is mad jealous of hottie Bella and starts clicking with super emo vampires that want to kill Bella. Edward wants Bella hardcore, but Bella is so outtie when he tries to put a ring on it. Complete hunk werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) full-on tries to rape Bella, so she is all like “Grodie to the max!” and doesn’t invite him to her party. Jacob says he was just joshing and Bella and Jacob are BFFs again. Eventually, Bella realizes she wants to hook up with both Eddy and Jake. As if!

The “Performance”: Kristen Stewart is easily the worst actress I’ve ever seen. All she does is complain, set feminism back one hundred years and let us know when she is experiencing emotions by staring vacantly or breathing heavily. However, one must remember she is playing the most boring and shallow character in literary history. I think this is actually terrific method acting and the studio did a fine casting job of assigning a stupid role to an untalented actress. Bravo.

I can give a pass to Robert Pattinson in all of these movies because it’s so obvious he is doing this for money that I’m shocked he doesn’t show up to filming drunk and/or wearing a Count Chocula costume. Poor guy wanted to earn some quick money and bone the leading actress and he ended up as a teenage sex symbol to one of the nuttiest fan bases around. Thanks to these movies, his career is pretty much as dead as the seriousness of the vampire myths.

Once again, I’m amazed by the breakout performance by a member of the Abs family. Taylor Lautner’s Abs outact everyone in this movie the same way Jake Gyllenhaal’s Abs did back in “Prince of Persia.” Keep an eye on the Abses. They’re going places.

Anna Kendrick and Dakota Fanning are in this movie. Why, just why? Anna Kendrick was in “Up in the Air.” Dakota Fanning is better than this movie. Unlike Pattinson, they aren’t desperate for cash and roles. They have no excuse.

Other Thoughts: I sorta remember somebody mentioning evil vampires. The film doesn’t really care about that much. It gets in the way of Bella whining to Edward and Jacob. The logical conclusion of letting them kill Bella isn’t considered. It’s very anticlimactic. These movies have set all kinds of box office records, putting to shame such films as “Harry Potter,” “Star Wars,” “The Dark Knight,” “Spider-Man” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Because of this, “Twilight” goes on record as being one of the few films to make me cry. The fourth “book” of the series, “Breaking Dawn,” is being split into two movies just in case we hadn’t already figured out that Scrooge McDuck is the executive producer of this franchise. I’m mildly surprised by the lack of controversy these movies cause. In today’s day and age, blatant misogyny of this magnitude is a really strange thing to see championed the way it is in “Twilight.” I suppose Bella’s being such a manipulative bitch toward Jacob is intended to counteract that, but Jacob ends up pretty well for an attempted rapist, so who knows? Finally, to the male “Twilight” fans, Edward doesn’t end up with Jacob. I know. I was disappointed, too. I’m for anything that means less Bella. Have I mentioned I hate Bella already? Because I do.

Final Verdict: The Hello Kitty Backpack. The goal is to make money. The producers have as much passion and pride for this as the scrambled eggs they ate for breakfast. It’s incredibly popular but nobody really knows why. It’s perfect for prepubescent girls, but kinda sad when enjoyed by anybody else. If you’re a straight dude and enjoy this, your friends probably think you’re a pedophile. I can’t say I disagree with them.

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About the Author

John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him.
Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians.
Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.

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