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Drastic Actions PSU Will Take After the Budget Cuts

In a shocking twist, Penn State will actually not be getting as much money as initially hoped from the state. Many rich people associated with the university consider this the end of the world and expect people other than themselves to suffer because of it. With the budget cuts looming on the horizon, it is very likely that the university will resort to drastic measures to make up for the losses. Remember, we’re only talking drastic here. Increasing tuition is the PSU administration equivalent of showering.

Harvest the local wildlife for sustenance

Suddenly, the war on crows makes a lot of sense. OPP was actually hunting for the new menus. In a post budget cut world, students need to be ready to literally eat crow. It isn’t that hard to do. Just pretend you’re a Collegian editor. Recent reports also suggest that the Nittany Lion has gone extinct. Extinct, or medium rare? We can never be really sure.

Request aid from celebrities

Many celebrities like to pretend that they care about things and help the less fortunate. After these budget cuts, a PSU dorm and the homeless shelter will now share more in common than just the smells. PSU will reach out to celebrities and ask for highly publicized charity donations. In return, PSU will name things after prominent donors. After all, we already have buildings named after Joe Paterno and Leonard Hubbard from The Roots. It wouldn’t be that big of a stretch to attend THON at the BJay-Z or watch football games in Bieber Stadium. Who among us wouldn’t want to live in Kanye West Halls or cheer for the new mascot, the Nittany Lionel Richie? Finally, every college will now be run by the Sheen. The position is a lot like the Dean, but it requires a warlock brain and tiger blood.

Sell Out

An exclusive contract with Pepsi is a good first step, but we could do so much more. Corporate sponsorship could take us in a whole different direction. ANGEL would be replaced with APPLE. You would only be able to access it with Macs and opening your classes would cost $0.99 each. Needless to say, it would already be twice as user-friendly. Classes themselves would also be sold to the highest bidder. Pretty soon, most of your finals will look like this:

In 500 words or less, describe which of the available flavors of Mountain Dew is the most satisfyingly refreshing. (Hint: The answer is all of them.) Bonus points will be awarded to answers showing clear understanding of the DEWmocracy campaign and its positive effects on society.

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About the Author

John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him.
Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians.
Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.

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The 3 Keys to Never Graduating

It is that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer when it feels like it and we switch to shorter pants just as the insects begin to multiply. It is a magical time of year that some of us will see for the last time in State College. For those lucky few, not going to class this week is a sign of maturity. With a college degree ensured, the world awaits you. Unless you’re in the Liberal Arts, of course. Then, your mother’s couch awaits you. However, there exist among us the ones that dare to take it to the next level. The ones that can’t get enough binge drinking, construction, and parking citations. The ones that will never graduate. How do they do it? Very, very smugly. These are the keys to never leaving Penn State.

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