As you may have should have heard, last Saturday was the First Annual Media Dodgeball Fall Classic. For a full, mostly accurate recap of the exciting matchup between Onward State, the Daily Collegian, Phroth, and Valley Magazine, check out Adam Smeltz’s column from yesterday on StateCollege.com. Here are 10 things that I learned.

10. People from the Collegian, Valley, and Phroth are actually pretty cool

Before coming into Saturday’s match, I didn’t know what to expect from the other media outlets. I knew that the OS squadron was filled to the brim with super-smart, super-sexy people who are great at everything, but I only knew a few people from the other respective media outlets. Spoiler alert: they’re all pretty cool people too.

9. Valley Magazine secretly had the best player in the tournament

When you think of the staff of Valley Magazine, you probably don’t think of the words “men” or “athletic prowess”. Shockingly, it turns out Valley had both in superstar Ian Lopera, who managed to figuratively carry the entire Valley team, win the official MVP award, and shatter gender stereotypes everywhere. With such an impressive display, perhaps Valley will consider having a male on the cover of their next issue (you know how to contact me, Valley Magazine).

 8. Dodgeball draws crowds

At the start, most of the people on the court were members of each media outlet’s respective squadron. As the tournament continued, though, crowds far and wide came to cheer on the teams, including a small posse cheering enthusiastically for Onward State’s own Matt “Dip” D’Ippolito. Also, Jon Graham from the basketball team strolled by to narrate the championship match between Onward State and The Daily Collegian. Which brings me to the next thing that I learned…

7. Adam Smeltz is a better reporter than he is a referee

StateCollege.com reporter extraordinaire/wizard Adam Smeltz kindly offered to be the ref for this match. It’s a shame, though, that his ref skills were mediocre. There were lots of instances where violations wouldn’t be called until a minute after they happened, or violations would be inconsistently enforced, or all sorts of nonsense–and this helped and hurt all four teams at one point or another. Not to mention the call near the end of the final match, which was clearly over the line. Having said that…

6. Devon is a dick

I’m calling you out, Devon. After the end of a heated match between Onward State and The Daily Collegian early on in the tournament, you, Devon, tried to throw down in fisticuffs with a Collegian member. The gall! And don’t pull that fourth-grade “they started it” shit. I could almost forgive you for that–after all, the guy you almost fought shared some fault for escalating the conflict as well. But, after that happened, I tried to give a speech to the entire media dodgeball community. I said something like, “This is all fun and games, let’s keep it like that!” AND YOU INTERRUPTED THAT KIND SPEECH AND DISAGREED WITH ME. DICK MOVE. I think Adam Smeltz put it best when he said, at the end of the tournament, “Shut the fuck up, Donnie Devon!”

Also, happy birthday!

5. Adam Smeltz would have been a better ref if he wore ref shorts

No explanation needed.

4. Dodgeball changes people

Never judge someone’s dodgeball abilities by taking them at face value. Nothing is as it seems. Boys become men. Men become boys. Women become men. Men become bigger men. Boys become women. Nouns become completely different nouns. You see where I’m going with this. Again, a lot of this was said more elegantly in the column by Adam Smeltz, History’s Greatest Monster.

3. Onward State pinnies were a tremendous success

See this post’s featured image. They ruled. We were all so aerodynamic, not to mention fashionable! Am I right, Valley Magazine (I’m still gunning to be the first cover guy)?

2. Dodgeball weather is the best weather

Anyone who was outside between 2 and 5 p.m. on Saturday afternoon knows how nice the weather was. Clearly, the weather gods were smiling upon us on Saturday. Note to people in the College of EMS: I’m aware that meteorologists, who are human beings, predict the weather. Please don’t send me angry emails.

1. This will happen again

Everyone I’ve talked to from each organization had a blast at the First Annual Media Dodgeball Fall Classic. That can only mean one thing: the First Annual Media Dodgeball Spring Spectacular will definitely happen. And who knows? Maybe it’ll turn into a snowman contest, or even ice capades! If it’s ice capades, then Adam Smeltz must wear a tutu, no questions asked.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who came out, and congratulations to this semester’s champions, The Daily Collegian! Watch out, though–maybe we won’t let you win next time.