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A Completely Serious Analysis of the Penn State Basketball Non-Conference Schedule

Penn State basketball season is just around the corner, with the Hoops Madness event tomorrow afternoon officially kicking off the season. With just a couple weeks before the games start to matter, it’s time to do a little scouting report of Penn State’s non-conference opponents.

Slippery Rock (Saturday, 11/5)

Fun Fact: Slippery Rock does not have a school mascot.

Analysis: This game will probably be closer than it should be. It’s also an exhibition, so who really cares?

Prediction: At least one Penn State player will look really, really good, only to be a non-factor the rest of the season. Our guess: Alan Wisniewski.

Hartford (Saturday, 11/12)

Fun Fact: This game will be played on the same day as the Penn State-Nebraska football game.

Analysis: Hmm? What’s that, you say? The basketball team is playing, and admission is free? Maybe I’ll…*looks down at beer in hand*…nah, forget it.

Prediction: Penn State tailgating defeats Penn State basketball in a blowout. However, Mother Nature could pull the upset and send freezing and/or soaked tailgaters into the BJC in droves.

Radford (Monday, 11/14)

Fun Fact: Frank Beamer, head football coach at Virginia Tech, is a Radford alumnus. Also, their head coach shares the same name as a really, really bad rapper.

Analysis: Radford won five games last season.

Prediction: Chambers remains undefeated against schools with names that end in “-ford”.

Long Island (Wednesday, 11/16)

Fun Fact: They made the NCAA Tournament last year. And the team isn’t all guidos.

Analysis: Penn State could actually lose this one, the first game of the Hall of Fame Tip-Off Tournament.

Prediction: LIU is knocked out of the tournament by NYC traffic, which forces them to forfeit the game.

Kentucky (Saturday, 11/19 at 12pm)

Fun Fact: Kentucky had more lottery picks in last seasons NBA Draft (one) than Penn State has ever had. Also, this game will be played at a casino in Connecticut.

Analysis: Is there a mercy rule in basketball? Seriously, though. Terrence Jones might score 100 points in this game.

Prediction: “Paiiiiiin”. Like, remember in Space Jam when the Mon-Stars’ score is “Kinda one-sided, isn’t it?” It’ll be like that.

USF/ODU (Sunday, 11/20 at 2pm)

Fun Fact: We don’t know which of these teams Penn State will play in this silly tournament.

Game Preview: Does it matter?

Prediction: The opponent will be USF, because they’re from the Big East. As for the game, if Terrence Jones didn’t destroy every member of the Penn State frontcourt the day before, they have a shot to win.

Youngstown State (Wednesday, 11/23)

Fun Fact: Jim Tressel used to coach at Youngstown State.

Game Preview: The Penguins finished 2-16 in the Horizon League last season. One of those wins was against last season’s National Runner-Up in Butler. WTF?

Prediction: Mumble is probably taller than anyone in our backcourt, but his quick feet aren’t enough for the Penguins. Penn State by 13.

at St. Joe’s (Saturday, 11/26)

Fun Fact: St. Joe’s was really, really good a few years ago. Since then, not so much. Also, their mascot never stops moving it’s wings. Ever.

Game Preview: This game will be a nice showcase for Penn State in the greater Philadelphia area. Unfortunately, outside of SJU alums, people only care about Villanova and Temple in Philly right now. Suck it, LaSalle.

Prediction: Pat Chambers breaks The Hawk’s wings. Penn State wins on the road in Philly.

at Boston College (Wednesday, 11/30)

Fun Fact: This game is part of the Big Ten/ACC Challenge.

Game Preview: Is BC good anymore? Is Jared Dudley still there? Wait, they’re in the ACC?

Prediction: I don’t want to overlook the Eagles, but I think we should have a pretty good chance in this one.

Mississippi (Sunday, 12/4)

Fun Fact: That guy from The Blind Side went to Ole Miss. But he played football.

Game Preview: The SEC West is as bad at basketball as they are good at football, and even then Ole Miss won’t even be competitive. Fortunately, Penn State probably won’t be competitive in their conference either, so it works out.

Prediction: It’s a canning weekend and there will be NFL games on all day. So when Penn State loses, nobody will be there to see it.

Lafayette (Wednesday, 12/7)

Fun Fact: Lafayette was the last school in Division 1 that didn’t offer athletic scholarships, waiting until 2006 to do so.

Game Preview: We’re not Lehigh, so Lafayette won’t really care about beating Penn State.

Prediction: The Lions beat Lafayette, and gain supremacy of the fertile recruiting ground of the Lehigh Valley.

at Duquesne (Saturday, 12/10)

Fun Fact: The game will be played Pittsburgh’s Consol Energy Arena.

Game Preview: Duquesne made it to the quarterfinals of the CBI (the Not Invited to the Not Invited Tournament) last season, and almost beat Penn State at the BJC in early December.

Prediction: Coach Chambers convinces Penn State they’ll be actually playing Duke, and bills the win as the biggest in program history.

Mt. St. Mary’s (Sunday, 12/18)

Fun Fact: MSM is the second-largest Catholic seminary in the United States. Good thing God doesn’t pay attention to college basketball.

Game Preview: Isn’t this the team that beat Villanova in the NCAA Tournament a few years ago? No, actually. They’re the team who finished 11-21 last season. Penn State needed a prayer (ironically) from Talor Battle to beat them at home.

Prediction: Students will be home for Winter Break, so expect more points to be scored than fans to be in attendance.

Cornell (Wednesday, 12/21)

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