NOTE: “Drunk, Sober, High” is a feature we lovingly borrowed from our friends at NYU Local. For a previous installment of the series to get a better feel, click here. 

It’s rare that a television show stands the test of time, but that’s exactly what Sesame Street has done for over four decades. The legendary children’s show has won eight Grammys and 118 Emmys, and has been a staple in family living rooms for generations. Last night, those lovable characters from 123 Sesame Street came to life at the Bryce Jordan Center with a special performance of Sesame Street Live. Below, you’ll read the experiences of three writers who took it upon themselves to have a great night from different perspectives.

Drunk:

I tend to forget things when I’m plastered, so I kept a timeline so I wouldn’t draw a blank for this post [Editors note: Typos have been corrected for coherency’s sake].

6:45 – Where is High? He’s late. Typical.

6:50 – We’re off to the show now. So pumped. (*dooh DOOH DOOH)

6:59 – Kevin Hart is coming to Penn State. I’m so excited.

7:01 – The ticket lady is sooooo old. I’m glad High is paying for everyone.

7:03 – “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”

7:06 – I already need to pee. I’m one of 7 people in this audience who can pee without being accompanied by an adult.

7:08 – Big Bird bitches!

7:10 – I can be a superhero too! Michigan better watch out, there’s a new Fab Five in town.

7:13 – The Fab Five consists of Elmo, Zoe, and two pink guys. And a fucking rock.

7:14 – This is awesome. So many colors.

7:16 – Sex jokes FTW. “Everywhere a slut slut with the white stuff that makes a moustache.” They say it’s milk but we all know what they’re talking about.

7:18 – YAY COOKIE MONSTER. FUCK VEGGIE MONSTER. #TeamCookieMonster, we got your back cuz.

7:19 – When the fuck did Grover become super? Also, where’s Snuffy? Or Count?

7: 22 – They keep talking about Rocko the rock. Why is Rocko a superhero? Rocks aren’t superheroes. They’re just naturally occurring solid aggregate of minerals that don’t do shit.

7:25 – Big Bird is supposed to find Ernie, so why is he sleeping? Ernie is right there dumbass — everyone in the whole arena can see that big orange sack of shit.

7:28 – There’s a cheese guy and he said “Holy mozzarella stick.” I could really go for some Moz Sticks. Are U Hungry is calling.

7: 35 – Elmo just got his shit destroyed. Oscar ran him over and took over Elmo’s World.

7:40 – Intermission time.

7:43 – High is a bitch and left. He said he had a date. Yeah right.

7:57 – Finally intermission is over. Also, this Veggie Monster bitch has Pauly D hair. Just another reason to hate him.

8:00 – I love Big Bird. I want Count though. That’s my shit. He reminds me of Count Chocula. Dwight likes Count Chocula.

8:02 – That’s right bitch get out Oscar. It’s Elmo’s world.

8:08 – I’m doing the pigeon dance just like when I was little.

8:12 – They are playing rock paper scissors with the rock guy. Of course he’s gonna pick fucking rock. He is a a rock. What an idiot.

8:17 – This rock is gonna get his shit fucked up. He’s telling Cookie Monster to not eat cookies. Who do you think you are bitch? He wants to eat cookies, not your hippy veggies.

8:20 – Sober and I are leaving. Good times.

8:22 – I love Sesame Street.

Sober:

It was a sunny day and the clouds had been swept away, so we were on our way to the BJC. I have to admit, I was a little nervous when I walked into the arena. Children and parents were everywhere and I was walking in with two colleagues — one drunk and slurring his words and the other high as kite.

But when we took our seats and the show began, my sober fears went away. I was a little jealous that I was assigned the sober role, and I wasn’t looking forward to the performance at all. But as it turned out, I was pleasantly surprised. The show was magical and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

Elmo and his friends worked together as superheroes and made up the “Fabulous Five.” Together, they had to save the world under the command of their boss, “The Big Cheese”, who was a talking slice of cheese (cheddar, one could safely assume).

Being sober gave me the ability to pick up on all the clever puns and jokes. For instance, “The Big Cheese” had some cheesy remarks (pun intended) such as “Holy fondue forks,” “Holy mozzarella sticks,” and “Holy eggplant parmesan!” I can only assume that these witty lines went unnoticed by my incapacitated counterparts.

However, sometimes I found myself laughing when there might not have been a joke intended. Like when one of Elmo’s friends asked the question “What’s white, creamy, cold, and leaves a mustache when you drink it?”

Many sesame street stars made appearances throughout the night, including Bert, Ernie, Big Bird, Grover, Oscar, Count, and even Cookie Monster (I’ll just forget Veggie Monster even exists). The music was catchy and I found myself singing and dancing along. I felt like a kid again — I guess that’s why the performance was sponsored by the letter “K” (or so I am told).

High:

Sunnnnnnnny Day, Sweepin’ the Clouuuuuuuuds Away (Unrelated note: Josh Radin is the GOAT.)

That timeless melody was the first thing I heard when I walked into the BJC last night — a melody that has been engrained into most quintessential American children since 1969.

Initially, I was feeling pretty shitty about myself. One of the first great memories of my life was when I was four years old, and my parents took me to see “Sesame Street Live” at the Jordan Center. And now here I was, high as balls, walking into the same venue for the same show that I had seen 16 years prior.

As I found my seat and passed by dozens of wide-eyed youngsters, I couldn’t help but look into their eyes and think, “One day, you too will get dumped by the only girl you’ve ever loved, in between studying for your worthless liberal arts degree and getting denied from internships, realize your life is shitty, and probably smoke a ton of weed to delay the inevitable reality that you’re actually a loser.”

If only my mother could see me now…

That guilt subsided quickly however, as I realized how intensely satisfying Sesame Street is when you’re baked. I don’t think I stopped laughing from the time I sat down until the time I left to tame my munchies.

The main plot of the show was that “Super Grover” lost his super powers, and all his dipshit friends, otherwise known as the “Fab Five”, tried to get his powers back by singing and dancing and promoting healthy eating habits. The “Fab Five” was guided by this magnanimous piece of cheese with one eyeball and a Stalin hat who was always quick a good pun, known simply as “The Big Cheese.” Ideally, the audience would believe that if they exercised, rested, and ate healthier, we all could be super heroes too.

First, “Super Grover” came crashing in from out of nowhere and whacked his head on the stage. That conceited asshole believed he could fly simply because he was wearing a cape, but he kept trying anyway. The 4-year olds in the crowd howled every time he ate shit. Some things never change I suppose.

Soon after, the chimerical Cookie Monster danced on to the stage. However, my excitement was quickly extinguished as this abominable green creature was only steps behind. That’s right, you guessed it — a product of the nefarious political-correctness age — it was Veggie Monster.

I know what you’re thinking: “You smoke weed so you’re probably really hip and into civil disobedience — Why didn’t you walk out immediately and give a big ‘fuck you’ to Veggie Monster and the establishment?”

You’re right, and in fact, my ass was halfway off the seat. However, just as I was about to raise my middle-finger, something amazing happened. Cookie Monster, Veggie Monster, and the rest of the gang all started dancing to music that had some characteristics of Skrillex.

WUB. WUUUUB. WUB WUB. WUB. “Shake your backside.” WOGGY WOGGY. WUUUUB. “Everybody MOVE YOUR EVERYHING.” WUB. WUB.

I may never see anything so beautiful ever again.

Shortly after that gem, the “Fab Five*” was introduced. I find it to be of necessity to include an asterisk when saying Fab Five*, because it was complete bullshit. The five members consisted of Elmo, Abby, Cadabby, Zoe, and Rocko the Rock. That’s right — a fucking rock.

Remember back in pre-school sports leagues there was always that one kid who ran shit, and everyone else on the team couldn’t even catch the ball? That’s basically the Sesame Street “Fab Five*” in a nutshell. Aside from Elmo, they’re all scrubs, and they even had the audacity to include a rock in their club. They made Cadabby carry around that damn thing for the entire performance. I didn’t fall for that shit when I was five.

Old McDonald the farmer made an appearance, except instead of being in a big mascot-like costume, they just sent out some chick to dance around and sing instead. She was actually pretty hot, and made some comment about a “white creamy liquid that gets all over your face” when you drink it, so Sesame Street had that going for it at least.

After Old McDonald got me all lascivious, I had to leave early for another engagement. I never did find out if “Super Grover” got his shit together, but chances are if a rock is one of the five best people you know, you have bigger problems than losing your super powers.

Can you tell me how to get,

How to get to Sesame Street…