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A Syllabus From The Gods

This past week we spent a large number of our classes running through syllabuses, painfully combing through each section of the do’s and don’t’s of each class. Some left us in despair, realizing that our first paper of a million is due in less than a week. Others brought us joy with the information that there will be no final.

Either way, we all have our hopes that one day we will receive a syllabus that reminds us: “Classwork is for jabronis. Sleep in and get weird, you’re way too awesome for this bullshit.” So what exactly would the “perfect” syllabus entail? Although not always in agreement, these are the dreams of the Onward State staff:

  • Food will be provided.
  • No tests, no projects. Simply participation points from interesting class discussions.
  • THE TRUTH: We aren’t going to read your long ass papers. Grades are known before the assignment is turned in. Attendance matters more than your work. Tell me I’m smart if you want a better grade. Spread your cheeks, this class is gonna be hell.
  • If you’re caught napping, you don’t get penalized. Keep sleeping.
  • The professor will not read your paper unless it’s less than two pages long.
  • No final.
  • This class does not actually meet, nor is there any work required. Instead, you will have a final grade of “A” assigned at the end of the semester so you continue to be academically eligible.
  • No books are required for this course.
  • We believe at least eight hours of sleep is really essential to being a healthy and efficient student, so we’re going to have 30 minutes of nap time every class.
  • If it is your birthday during any class, we’re doin’ shots!
  • You are encouraged to use your computer and cell phone during class.
  • I encourage you to livetweet all of the ridiculous things I say.
  • Only books are required for this course. No written exams or papers. Just read a book.
  • Your schedule says we are supposed to meet on Fridays. We will not be meeting on Fridays.
  • Attendance is not required.
  • We will be organizing a bar tour at the end of the semester. This counts as part of your class participation. The teacher will pick up the tab.

What would your dream syllabus be? Let us know in the comments.

About the Author

Ryan Kristobak

Hailing from Lebanon, PA, I am a senior majoring in print journalism. Things I enjoy include lovesacs, denim, mullets, Fight Milk, Jonny Moseley, and "hang in there" kitten posters. Things that bother me include "fun" sized candy bars (not fun), fish, shoobies, wet door knobs, baby leashes, and Jake Lloyd.


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