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10 Questions with the Source of All Truth, @PSU_Facts

Twitter exists for one reason and one reason only: Parody accounts. While Penn State has its fair share of parody accounts, @PSU_Facts has staked its claim as one of the funniest (and certainly most outlandish) recent accounts.

@PSU_Facts is run is apparently run by Ron Musselman and Mark Emmert. The two have lofty goals for spreading Penn State’s deepest darkest secrets and trivial gossip that they’ve heard made up.

Onward State had the chance to gain a little bit of insight on the social media beast that is @PSU_Facts. Keep in mind, everything that they say is true.*

Onward State: Are you Graham Spanier?

PSU_Facts: In a way, aren’t we all Graham Spanier? We think everyone has a little bit of that gray-haired Jewish magician inside of them. Oh, and John Ziegler loves us, even though he is kind of a douche. And by “kind of” we mean “an absolute.”

Onward State: How do you feel about President Erickson’s enormous salary?

PSU_Facts: We don’t do anything either, why don’t we get paid a grotesque amount of money? We think President Erickson will earn his paycheck once he testifies about what he REALLY knows about the attacks on Benghazi.

Onward State: Since you know all of the facts, where is the JoePa statue being held? And when are they (if ever) going to release it back into the wild?

PSU_Facts: The people who run the @PSUGirlProblems account took it because they are fucking awful. Seriously, they don’t know what a PROBLEM actually is. Have you seen this account? It’s total shit. And they’ll only return it once Erickson testifies about what he REALLY knows about the attacks on Benghazi.

Onward State: What’s the deal with airplane food?

PSU_Facts: BUSH DID 9/11.

Onward State: What’s your political agenda?

PSU_Facts: We have the exact same political agenda as the warlord Joseph Kony: to enslave children and build a youthful militia in our quest to take over the nation of Uganda. Seriously, we just want to entertain and remind people that you should never take yourselves too seriously.

Onward State: Can you please cite your sources?

PSU_Facts: It’s a very long process that starts with a lucid dream involving R. Kelly, Leonardo DeCaprio, and the girl from Juno that got knocked by George Michael Bluth. After we wake up, we write down everything they say to us and usually 90 percent of R Kelly’s dialogue is what ends up on the account. Seriously though, have you seen or heard half the things that go on at Penn State? We were shocked no one had thought of an account like this first.

Onward State: Aaron Carter is coming to State College. What is one fact that the public doesn’t know but should know?

PSU_Facts: Aaron Carter has a restraining order on us. It’s a long story that involves masturbation and fan mail. We can’t go into any more details as AC’s harassment suit against us won’t be going in front of a judge for another three and a half months.

Onward State: What’s the best “singing-in-the-shower” song? Why?

PSU_Facts: Any song that Boombox Guy used to play. RIP. Or any song off of the musical masterpiece that is “U.nited S.tate of A.tlanta” by Ying Yang Twins. You have to trust us on that.

Onward State: Ignoring any rules that might make it impossible, imagine that PSU Facts was just made UPUA President. What’s the first order of business?

PSU_Facts: A campus band and a restraining order on Ron Musselman and John Ziegler. Fuck those guys.

Onward State: If you could be a dinosaur, which would you be and why?

PSU_Facts: The left arm and the right leg of the Megazord from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It was a bunch of Dinozords. THAT TOTALLY COUNTS AND IT WAS BADASS.

Follow @PSU_Facts to find out more.

About the Author

Mitchell Wilston

I apologize in advance.

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