Heard But Not Seen: 15 Types Of Horrible Hallmates
We’ve all got ’em. The hallmates you don’t always see, but experience plenty of throughout the day. Living in a dorm/apartment can be rough as you’re constantly surrounded by hundreds of people most of whom don’t keep the same schedule as you. Worst of all, the walls in the dorms are paper thin, and we’ve all ended up hearing (and smelling) some things we wish we hadn’t. We’ve complied a list of the worst offenders — read on to make sure you’re not on the list!
1. The Couple That’s Always Having Sex: This is the pair who is always getting it on: morning, noon, night, it doesn’t matter to these two lovebirds. The sweet mattress-squeaking of romance has become the background music to your daily life. It’s gotten to the point where you’re almost used to it — now if only your bed would stop shaking.
2. The Musician: Never one to be shy, the musician is usually heard throughout the day strumming along on his acoustic while belting out some Wonderwall. As if he wasn’t obnoxious enough, everyone on the floor is in love with him, even though you secretly wish he would just use a practice room. The female version of The Musician is less common, but can heard on occasion, belting out Adele while getting ready for a night out.
3. The Kid Who Pees Extremely Loud: This character gets old fast, and is my arch nemesis. Apparently my bed is directly under someone’s bathroom, because every few hours I can hear the steady rhythmic pattering of the person above me peeing. I used to think it was just the sink running until I noticed the flushing sound after. This is one of those things that once you notice it, never goes away.
4. The Anger Management Couple: This hallmate pair can come in two forms: the distraught bf/gf, or the roommate enemies. Both always end up arguing the night before you have an exam, and are a package deal that comes along with a lot of screaming and slamming. You’re never quite sure if you should call the cops, and sometimes it’s so bad you just wish they’d go back to being hallmate #1.
5. The Social Butterfly: This is the hallmate who thinks Thirsty Thursday is every night of the week. They can easily be identified by loud laughing, the smell of booze, and music being played all hours of the day. They also have an innate ability to fit as many people as possible into one room.
6. The Ghosts: These hallmates are the most mysterious. They are never seen or heard by anyone on the floor, but every once in a while someone catches a glimpse of their door shutting. This, and the fact that the RA still put name tags up on the door, is the only proof that they actually exist.
7. The Loud Phone Caller: These are the hallmates who use a special tone while talking on the phone. They seem to think that since their caller is not right next to them they need to scream into the receiver. They also always end up pacing around the hallway, so as not to disturb their roommate. Unfortunately for you, they never learned the meaning of an “inside voice” and while their roommate may be able to study in peace you sure can’t.
8. The Godzilla: Similar to the Anger Management Couple, the Godzilla slams every piece of furniture in their room — be it closet or drawer. The Godzilla seems to think that everyone gets up at exactly the same time they do, which means you’re being woken up when it’s time for their 8 o’clock class. The Godzilla is most likely to appear when you are in the deepest phase of sleep.
9. The Pungent: The Pungent can take two forms. The first, is the guy/gal who sprays so much cologne/perfume that you know whenever they’re in the room because you can smell them through the walls. The second falls on the opposite end of the spectrum, and is usually the hallmate that has unfortunate BO — either for health reasons or because they are boycotting showers. Either way, this hallmate makes takes a toll on your respiratory system. Sorry allergy sufferers.
10. The Sleeping Beauty: A floor favorite, The Sleeping Beauty sets dozens of alarms which fail to wake them up every single morning. You then are stuck listening to said alarm for 20 minutes, or until you cry yourself back to sleep.
11. The Sports Fan/The Gamer: Both similar in nature, these hallmates are obsessed with chance outcomes, and like to yell at their respective TV’s. The sports fan is usually accompanied by several like minded brethren, while the gamer is usually yelling out in solitude (or across the interwebs via headset).
12. The Whistler: This hallmate always seems to whistle while they work, and while it was cute at first it is now slowly driving you to the brink of insanity.
13. The Smoker: The smoker can usually be smelt on a Friday or Saturday night, and while cigarette smokers do exist, the most common smoker in the dorms is using something a little stronger. For some reason this hallmate believes that no one will smell their secret, when in reality their smoke is being pumped through the entire dorm ventilation system.
14. The Chef: The Chef constantly tries to prove their culinary prowess, but consistently comes up short. Whether it’s the girl that burns popcorn every weekend, or the guy that always gets smelly take out, The Chef is certainly an assault on the senses.
15. The Forgetful Flusher: In this case it’s important what isn’t heard. The Forgetful Flusher doesn’t seem to understand basic personal hygiene courtesy, and will finish their business in the stall next to you without a single flush to finish. How rude.
Hopefully you don’t cohabitate with too many of these horrible hallmates, but if you do, you could always invest in a nice pair of earplugs.
Have we missed any awful unseen hallmates? Leave your own stories in the comments below!
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About the Author
Tim’s Law adds stricter penalties for hazing, as well as provides requirements for institutions and includes immunity for those who call for medical attention in hazing emergencies.
Sean Spencer’s Wild Dogs have now accumulated 25 sacks on the season, securing 25 turkeys to be donated to the State College Food Bank at Thanksgiving.
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