Naps. They are the greatest things ever. This is not debatable. Especially at Penn State, which is loaded with fantastic places to shut your eyes for anywhere from 10 minutes to several hours.

However, there are some awful places to grab some z’s if you’re tired. To find these places, fellow Onward State nap aficionados Mara Kern and Steve Osborn joined me in a quest to find the worst nap spots on campus. Here are our findings:

1) Under a Lion Paw at Palmer

Palmer is awesome, which you know if you read last week’s “What to See at the Palmer Art Museum” post. For napping? HELL NAW. Sleeping under the paws suck. Your ass is on concrete, your back is on concrete and you live in perpetual fear of a paw crushing you into human jelly.

2) The Revolving Door in Pattee

Pattee is loaded with quality nap spots. The revolving door is not one of them. Reenacting the revolving door scene from “Elf” is fun, but napping is almost impossible. You’re constantly moving and need to stand up. As we all know, napping standing up is the hardest thing this side of nuclear physics. Nap elsewhere in the library, folks…

3) Outside of Willard

This spot sucks because, with all the foot traffic, you’re in the way and prone to getting kicked. And then there’s the Preacher. When I try to sleep, I like to think about basketball or “Asleep” by The Smiths. That’s hard to do when a guy is preaching hellfire and brimstone messages. On the day this image was taken, he was discussing human/animal intercourse. NO BUENO, BRO.

4) The Stacks

Sleeping at a desk in the stacks is cool. But sleeping in between an actual row of stacks is awful. It’s hotter than hell, the floor is hard, and you basically render that entire row of the stacks useless to the poor grad student who is actually trying to use the books in there.

5) In the Middle of College Ave.

If you like sleeping for five seconds before having to move out of the way of vehicles, then this spot is PERFECT for you. Other than that, between the foot traffic, the actual traffic, and the fact that you’ll probably get pink eye from sleeping here, you can’t find a worse place to sleep.

6) Basketball Court in South

This spot sucks for two reasons: One is that you’re interrupting a basketball game, and if they keep playing, either the ball is going to hit you or someone is going to stomp on you. But the real reason this place sucks? Freshmen playing volleyball. Freshmen suck. We know this. But freshmen who feel like they have to make bad jokes (i.e.: “Are you staging a protest?) and scream things while you’re trying to nap? THE WORST.

7) The HUB Steps

If you want to try and nap at the busiest place on campus, by all means do it. If you want to avoid a loud place and tons of foot traffic, which you should if you’re a sane person, go somewhere else in the HUB.

8) Outside of Willard (Again)

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HUMAN/ANIMAL SEX.

9) HUB Parking Deck

If you fall off, you’re breaking a few vertebrae. And that’s only the first level! If you can survive a fall from the top level, I know some people from Salem, Massachusetts in 1692 that would like to have a word with you.

10) The Line at Starbucks

This spot sucks because the floor is the hardest thing on the planet and Starbucks is the loudest thing this side of a death metal concert. Between the sound the machines make and a barista screaming things like “GRANDE LATTE FOR EDDIE” every 5.2 second, it’s impossible to drift away.

11) Under a Table at the HUB

Listen, Guys. We all know you’re doing something important, whether it be raising money for Relay for Life, handing out tickets for a concert, whatever. But dammit, I’m trying to nap. Stop screaming “HEY! FREE STUFF!” while I’m invading your space. Go get lunch or something, I’ll be done in an hour, or two, or three.

12) An Elevator

By electing to take the elevator, you are already accepting the lazy path. Elevators are awesome, we all know this. For naps? They suck. You have to sleep sitting up or the door won’t close. Elevators are, by law, required to be 472 degrees Celsius. They stink. There are little noises (the door opening and closing, the “BING!” of every floor, people getting on and off) that distract you. People talk about the weird guy sleeping in the corner. It’s awful.

13) Under the Nittany Lion

The Lion is awesome. Napping under him? Not awesome. I don’t like napping while someone is practicing transcendental meditation on top of me. It’s distracting and bad on my back. We want the lion! I don’t want to nap under the lion! We want the lion!