Due to an increase in malfeasant activity last THON weekend (students bringing in healthy snacks, the elderly attempting to sit, etc.), the organization realized it needed help. To get out in front of the issue for THON 2015, an offer has been made to the Shandygaff to outsource next year’s R&R captains.

The “Gaff” is known throughout Happy Valley for having the most ruthless bouncers who aren’t afraid to put rule-breakers in their place. With velociraptor-like vigilance, these bouncers hunt down their intoxicated prey by trapping them and forcing them right out the door. Who could possibly be more fitting to be an R&R captain?

The Gaff employees have already established a five-point plan for dealing with crowd control at THON 2015.

1.) Always keep a line outside the Bryce Jordan Center over the weekend. A line will draw more attention to  THON.

2.) ID checks are mandatory before entering.

3.) If someone looks sleepy or weak on their feet, kick them out. Even if they only yawn, it’s time to go. No exceptions.

4.) When kicking someone out, approach the person from behind, tap them on the shoulder, and tell them simply, “You gotta go” with no explanation.

5.) If the people you kick out of THON attempt to justify themselves, stare at them blankly until they take the hint. Use force when necessary.

When asked why they are resorting to such barbaric measures for THON 2015, a high-ranking member of R&R simply said, “For the Kids.”

About the Author

Staff

Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

‘It’s A Real Problem’: Penn State Football Not Pleased With Washington Win After Second-Half Struggles

It was too close for comfort against Washington yet again.

Breaking Down Penn State Wrestling’s Roster Ahead Of Opening Dual Meet: 125-157 Pounds

Penn State wrestling is back, folks.

Penn State Men’s Hockey Hoping To Turn Progress Into Results Against No. 2 Michigan

Head coach Guy Gadowsky believes his team is making progress as it prepares for a road series against No. 2 Michigan.