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The Most Bizarre Crimes of Happy Valley

The State College and Penn State police departments have had a lot on their hands.

This week, the Penn State Police responded quickly and effectively to keep University Park students safe after a shooting threat was posted on Yik Yak. Called a prank, the incident no doubt was one of the most nerve-wracking moments for the Penn State community this year.

But the law enforcement in the area has had handled some far less scary crimes and incidents in the last couple of years, too. In fact, some of them are downright comical. We’ve compiled a list of all the seemingly ridiculous reported crimes to which police have responded:

A Missing Spoon

missing spoon wall shot

Last year, a giant spoon was stolen from Mamma Mia’s. That’s it. That’s the whole crime.

A Pet Alligator in Boalsburg

alligator

This past summer, a five-foot long pet alligator was removed from a Boalsburg residence. Because central Pennsylvania is the perfect location to own a pet alligator.

An Underwear Thief

laundry thief

A man was identified via surveillance video when he allegedly stole women’s underwear from dryers in a Meridian Apartment Complex building. And this is why I can’t trust leaving my laundry unattended.

“Penn State Lives Here” Banner Stolen

pslh banner

Man, I am so jealous of whoever now illegally owns the $1,700 banner which once hung from the side of Sackett Building.

Subway Burglar Helps Himself to a Sandwich

sandwich

Because a five-dollar footlong was just too much to handle for one individual.

A Fight Over a Sandwich Sends a Man to Mount Nittany Medical Center

sandwich on ground

Speaking of sandwiches, this man, who was sent to the hospital, allegedly slapped a sandwich out of someone’s hand, causing a fight ending with his face meeting a lightpole. Don’t mess with hungry people’s food.

Woman Throws Sandwich at CATA Bus Driver

White Loop

Who throws a sandwich at a CATA bus driver? Totally unwarranted. Let’s just ban sandwiches altogether. They’re nothing but trouble, it seems.

Uncle Chen’s Delivery Car Stolen (for a Couple of Blocks)

Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 1.58.13 AM

An Uncle Chen’s Delivery vehicle was allegedly stolen while the driver delivered the food to a customer. After it was reported to police, the car was found just a few blocks away. I think the bigger problem here is that someone must have been drinking and driving.

Karaoke Singers Don’t Pay

Icy Snow

Two female fugitives are on the loose for singing at Icy Snow and not paying. Such an awful, heinous crime.

Students Break Into Fraternity House to Steal Natural Light

KDR

Three cans of Natty Light were stolen after two students allegedly broke into a locked bedroom door at Kappa Delta Rho fraternity house, causing $370 worth of damage to the house. $370 can buy you many, many cases of Natty at your local beer distributor. Talk about thirsty.

Belligerent Female Sedated After Throwing Sign at McDonalds Manager and Exposing Self

Mcdonalds

A female student was quite upset after she couldn’t receive any Chicken McNuggets. Facebook commenter Xavier Dofilis Perez described the scene the best:

mcd

“Then she went super sayian on the manager and threw a distructo dick. Aka wet floor sign.”

About the Author

Yuka Narisako

Yuka legally immigrated to the United States via airplane in 1996 from the small island nation of Japan. Since then she has migrated throughout the country and now identifies herself as a senior majoring in Architectural Engineering. The Shandygaff is her Happy Place, though she was once kicked out of the establishment after breaking her shoe and screaming “I LOVE DAY DRINKING. I’M HAVING FUN.” Yuka is overly enthusiastic about life in general, but especially Ja Rule, Halloween, and the puffy black vest she purchased from the Gap. You can reach her at [email protected], or through Twitter @yukahontass.

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