Dear Daily Collegian,

Long time, no engage. How’s the staff? Business department good? How about circulation? That’s good to hear. You’re probably wondering, “Hey, why is Onward State writing us but not making fun of us?” Well, that’s a very good question. You see, back in the day Onward State and the Daily Collegian, along with the rest of the Penn State media outlets, competed in a dodgeball tournament to show faux-superiority. It was fun, and we need more competition like that. That’s why we’re reaching out to you. We’d like to do battle the best way any well-trained writing staff knows how: by having a Crate Race.

For the uninitiated, a Crate Race pits teams of players with equal amounts of different types of alcohol against each other, and tries to see who can finish first. There’s lots of posturing and hype music and strategy and in the end everyone gets drunk and has a great time. We’ll try to prove we aren’t nerd bloggers who live in our basements, and you try to prove that you occasionally leave that brick-and-mortar you’re so fond of on Burrowes. We’ll get teams of whatever size works best for both sides, meet up at a neutral site, and do battle. This is an official challenge. We have elite talent in this field, people who will be the stuff of legends for many years.

Much like the readership battle, we think we can take you handily in this endeavor. Hell, we’ll even pay to have a trophy made up, and the winner can have it for the year. Let’s do this thing, and get ready for your ultimate demise.

Yours in Booze,

The Onward State Staff