Apply To Be Onward State Stud Tim Reams’ Valentine
“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.” — Tennessee Williams
If you are among the crowd that doesn’t have plans this Valentine’s Day, Onward State is here for you. Resident stud and Internal Manager Tim Reams (@TPReams) is on the market and we’re here to help both you and him find your soulmates.
Our quest to find love currently has a 100 percent success rate, as “Orthodontic Adonis” David Abruzzese found a date last Valentine’s Day and surprised her with flowers at lunch.
“I have to say, last year’s experience was something I’ll never forget,” David said. “My date was a great sport about it all, and the day everything ran on the website was arguably one of the funniest days I’ve ever had. Truth be told, I never thought a kid with train tracks on his teeth would get so many responses, but boy was I wrong. Would I say I’m a better person because of the whole experience? Yes. Might one say my self-confidence went through the roof? Also yes.”
If you’re fortunate enough to be single at the same time as Tim Reams, allow us to paint a picture for you.
Tim had an illustrious high school football career deserving of its own Hudl page, as the ferocious defensive tackle showed flashes of Anthony Zettel and Austin Johnson. However, you shouldn’t trick yourself into thinking he’s a fighter instead of a lover — when he isn’t breaking down the history of the TaxSlayer Bowl or saving you money on campus, you can find him listening to anything from The Beatles to Action Bronson to The Front Bottoms. If you’re looking for dinner and a movie, you might want to start with some of his favorites: “Interstellar,” “Pineapple Express,” and the “Dark Knight” series.
If a man of political power piques your interest, you’re in luck. Tim was FBLA’s regional vice president and chapter president at his high school, where he was also class vice president.
Noted stud Tim Reams has gone on record to say he prefers apartment parties to frat parties “10/10.” He’s interested in a girl who’s funny, and his dislikes include Donald Trump, Donald Trump supporters, and bad breath.
Now that you’re sold on Tim, it’s your turn to sell Tim on you:
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About the Author
Who needs the Orange Bowl when you can go to the Citrus Bowl and have oranges AND all their citrus brethren in one game of crossover SEC-Big Ten smashmouth football?
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