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The Official Suburban Spring Break Drinking Game

Your friends haven’t shut up about Cancun for weeks and you’ve grimaced through the preemptive FOMO like a champ. For whatever reason, you’re headed home this spring break.

There’s no reason you can’t drink like you’re headed somewhere tropical. In fact, hate-scrolling through your Instagram feed full of bikinis and sunshine while bundled up on the couch is the perfect excuse to indulge in some Everclear.

Spring break at home doesn’t have to suck. We won’t lie to you, though, it probably won’t be great. Strive to survive a week of mediocrity with our official drinking game:

  • For every illegible text a friend in paradise sends you, take a drink.
  • When you see a person from high school you no longer associate with but vaguely remember, reminisce on the good old days. Break out whatever you can find in your parents’ liquor cabinet, put it in a water bottle, and replace the dent you made in the liquor with a little faucet water. They’ll never know.
  • If you get an email from a professor reminding you of upcoming assignments, resist the urge to reply “do less” and take a drink.
  • For the upperclassmen: Every time your parents bring up when you’re graduating, whip out some Vlad and drink like you’re a freshman to forget you’re a senior.
  • Snapchats of the beach: If it includes the weather, drink for six seconds. If it includes a drink and feet in the sand, drink for three. Any emojis of the sun? Drink until you can’t feel the cold. What a time for the middle finger emoji to exist.
  • Every time your few hometown friends who also didn’t end up somewhere sunny and 75 this week think they can hang with a Penn Stater, take a shot and prove them wrong. (Disclaimer: Don’t take the shot unless you actually can hang. Not a good look.)
  • Take a shot for every friend you have on a spring break trip (this one’s for the veterans.)
  • If at any time you find yourself bitching about a spring break spent at home, remember you’ll return to the greatest university ever in a short week. Anyway, the ocean isn’t that great — and consider that there’s people who are dying. people dying

Enjoy spring break! And imbibe responsibly, you bunch of drunks.

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About the Author

Sara Civian

Sara Civian is one of Onward State's three ridiculously good looking managing editors, a hockey writer at heart, and an Oxford comma Stan. She's a senior majoring in journalism, minoring in history, and living at Bill Pickle's Tap Room. Her favorite pastimes are telling people she's from Boston, watching the Bruins, and meticulously dissecting the My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy album. She's seen Third Eye Blind live 14 times. If you really hate yourself, you can follow her at @SaraCivian or email her at [email protected]


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