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Your Official Thanksgiving 2016 Drinking Game

It’s finally holiday season, and that means one important thing: 2016 is coming to an end in all of its dumpster fire glory. There are a few obstacles before we can leave this all behind us, though. Thanksgiving is one of the biggest.

Most of us have left Happy Valley and are back home with our families by now. As much as we love them, we know an interrogation filled with all the questions we don’t want to answer is coming. “How are you doing in school? Why are you spending so much money on alcohol? Why did I see a video of you on the news screaming ‘FUCK THE CLOWN’ on an elevated surface?”

We can’t help you navigate the questions themselves, but we can help you make them a little less excruciating with the help of our dear friend alcohol. Godspeed, degenerates.

  • If your relatives bring up Penn State honoring Joe Paterno during the Temple game, take a sip. If you’re out of state, take a shot.
  • Every time your GPA/major/classes are brought up, just shrug and take a sip. We can’t all be the cousin with the spotless transcript.
  • If anyone asks you about the Penn State clown rally of 2016, take a sip and tell them about how Joey Julius saved us all.
  • When your uncle inevitably tries to bring you down with a Sandusky joke, tell him those aren’t funny. When he says Penn State football is bad (or whatever it is your worst uncle says) tell him to check the CFB rankings and shotgun a Paterno Legacy Series Lager at the table…or just take a sip.
  • If the conversation turns political at all, plead the fifth and don’t put your drink down until everyone shuts up.
  • Anytime someone says anything about the state of Ohio, remember that time an unranked Penn State beat No. 2 Ohio State and take a victory sip. Honestly, if someone says something that even sounds like “Ohio,” please do this.
  • If your mom asks why all your money is going to a combination of Wings Over, plastic bottle vodka, and various bars, blame 2016 and take a sip.
  • When asked about your love life, pull a James Franklin and say “Michigan State, Michigan State, Michigan State….” Then pour one out for said love life.
  • Think about how good this home-cooked meal is and give your parents a drink for putting up with you.

As always: Drink responsibly, hug your parents, and help them wash the damn dishes.

About the Author

Sara Civian

Sara Civian is one of Onward State's three ridiculously good looking managing editors, a hockey writer at heart, and an Oxford comma Stan. She's a senior majoring in journalism, minoring in history, and living at Bill Pickle's Tap Room. Her favorite pastimes are telling people she's from Boston, watching the Bruins, and meticulously dissecting the My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy album. She's seen Third Eye Blind live 14 times. If you really hate yourself, you can follow her at @SaraCivian or email her at [email protected]


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