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Give Us 2-Ply Toilet Paper Or Give Us Death: An Open Letter To UPUA President Cody Heaton

In this world, nothing is certain besides three things: death, taxes, and uncomfortable public restrooms.

As we all know, the public bathrooms on campus are horrendous*. They are muggy, smelly ceramic hell-holes — even in the harshest of State College winters. Even worse, most seem to date back to the advent of indoor plumbing.

Most of these depressing crap cells should be avoided at all costs, yet no man, woman, or Nittany Lion can deny the certain circumstances in which there is no other option. Once, in a time of need my freshman year, I went to the bathroom, and I’m still scarred from the experience.

However, the true crime against our bowel movements is not the filth. It’s the one-ply piece of tissue paper with which we are expected to wipe our butts. Toilet paper more suitable for stuffing in gift bags or filtering coffee. Toilet paper so thin you can see through it. 

This is truly unacceptable. In the course of human events, it becomes necessary to demand more from our representatives. I ask that our student government represent not just our bodies, but our butts, too.

Cody Heaton, what do you want your legacy as UPUA president to be?

Sure, you can increase the number of portable charger systems on campus. You can strive for ambitious goals like eliminating paid homework services.

Or you can make real change. Change that future generations of Penn Staters will know — will feel — when they desperately have to use a bathroom on campus and reach back for a plush piece of two-ply toilet paper.

You can be the UPUA President that saves our asses. They will build cathedrals of public restrooms in your name. 

Do the right thing. Make Penn State’s number twos great again.

*This paragraph does not apply to the bathrooms in the Biobehavioral Health Building — they are perfect in all ways except the one-ply toilet paper.

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About the Author

Anthony Fiset

Anthony is a senior *gasp* majoring in Economics and a lifetime Costco Executive Member. If you are an employer, please hire him. Otherwise, direct all complaints to [email protected]

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