Things Shorter Than Illinois’ Conference Losing Streak

It’s been a tough go of things for the Fighting Illini lately. Lovie Smith, who was supposed to be Illinois’ saving grace after he was fired by the Chicago Bears, hasn’t managed to beat a conference opponent since 2016, his first year with the program. 

We’re not here to knock the Illini’s 2016 campaign, however. Not only did they win one conference game, but they won TWO whole conference games! One of them was against Rutgers, so take that for what it’s worth. The other, though, was a completely legitimate win at home against a suspect Michigan State team on November 5, 2016 — 684 days ago.

Illinois has lost 12 straight Big Ten games since that fateful day, and that’s a pretty long drought. Hell, even Rutgers managed to secure three conference wins last year — including one against the fightless Illini.

The fact of the matter is that there is a whole lot of shit shorter than Illinois’ conference losing streak, so let’s take a look at some of it:

Satchel Pierce 

Satchel Pierce is tall — seven feet tall to be exact. Now, we’re not completely sure about the conversion rate from feet to conference games lost, but regardless, Pierce is shorter than Illinois’ conference drought. 

Any MegaBus Ride

If you’ve ever taken a MegaBus anywhere, you know that those things pretty much drive 25 miles per hour. And if you’re unfortunate enough to be on a bus without working WiFi any of the buses, a two-and-a-half-hour trip to Pittsburgh can feel like an eternity. Even so, you can thank your lucky stars that you’ll be home before Illinois wins another conference game.

The Wait For Anything From AliExpress

Congrats, you ordered a Penn State Saquon Barkley jersey from AliExpress. Now all you have to do is wait a whole calendar year while someone rows across the Pacific Ocean then proceeds to walk your package cross country to State College. We’re pretty sure AliExpress actually has an Illinois conference winless streak guarantee: Get your jersey before 684 days or it’s free!

The Amount Of Time It Takes For Engineers To Switch Majors

Remember all of the burnt orange engineering shirts you saw at Convocation? Well, just a fraction of them are still engineers. Those who switched their majors probably did so after a semester or two, which is a shame because they didn’t make it longer than Illinois’ conference losing streak. Be better, College of Engineering.

HUB Dining Lines

Do you want Chick-Fil-A during the lunch rush? Bring a pair of comfortable shoes and maybe even a snack because you’ll surely be in line for a while. At least you’ll have the Lord’s chicken sooner than Lovie Smith can say, “Yay! We finally beat Rutgers, again.” 

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About the Author

Anthony Fiset

Anthony is a senior *gasp* majoring in Economics and a lifetime Costco Executive Member. If you are an employer, please hire him. Otherwise, direct all complaints to [email protected].

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