An Ode To Smash-Mouth, Big Ten Football

Dear Big Ten Football,

I’m sorry for what millennials have done to you.

I’m sorry that you have been perverted by the spread offense and 59-0 road wins. I’m sorry that fans care more about fancy forward passes and read options than they do about lead fullback blocks. I’m sorry that people think the quarterback is more important than the offensive line.

You were never meant to be like this. Rutgers and Maryland are not even in the Midwest — let alone worth mentioning among your prestigious programs. It is disgusting that these schools can taint the quality of football that we know and love.

Big Ten football was never supposed to be about flashy plays or large blowouts. Personally, I am glad that we are finally at the part of the schedule when we can see you in your purest form.

Big Ten football is about immaculate walk-off touchdowns and grueling defeats.

Watching you is like watching a horror movie. It is the constant fear of my beloved protagonist’s death that keeps me glued to my seat every single Saturday in the fall. It is the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

Even though traveling to Kinnick Stadium for a primetime game is a literal nightmare, it’s a nightmare from which I never want to wake up.

See, me and you, we’re from a different time — back when football was as God created it, long before the forward pass. Very few people appreciate you like I do, in all your glory — pro-style offenses vs. defensive gladiators in low-scoring battles that we will remember for centuries.

As my one professor once loosely quoted Joe Paterno’s book (the boomers are gonna love this), “The best Penn State games aren’t when the Nittany Lions win by 35. They’re when they lose by three.”

Those are the games that make us feel alive.

So bring on the nail-biters against Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, and Ohio State. Pit low-man vs. low-man and let the lowest man win.

Win or lose, I will always love you.

Sincerely yours,


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About the Author

Anthony Fiset

Anthony is a senior *gasp* majoring in Economics and a lifetime Costco Executive Member. If you are an employer, please hire him. Otherwise, direct all complaints to [email protected].

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