Willard Preacher To Offer Virtual Sermons On Zoom

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

If you’re missing Penn State and want to make remote learning feel as close to the real thing, the Willard Preacher — as always — is here to help.

Gary Cattell, otherwise known as the Willard Preacher, will now host virtual sermons on Zoom every Tuesday and Thursday morning, he announced Tuesday on his blog on the dark web.

“The first week of online classes, I tried standing outside of Willard and quoting my favorite bible verses, but something just didn’t feel right,” he wrote. “I didn’t feel as fulfilled telling squirrels if they can’t get laid at Penn State, they can’t get laid anywhere. They’re already among the most pious species and don’t need my saving.”

Sermons will begin at 10:15 a.m. each day in order to catch students on their way out of their 9:05s and into their 10:35s as he would on a normal school day. Students will be free to call into the Zoom sermons and respond to Cattell’s teachings on religion, politics, and the coronavirus — although he reserves the right to mute them at whim before declaring their eternal damnation.

Triota, the women’s studies honor society that’s been known to set up shop handing out condoms alongside Cattell, didn’t immediately return a request for comment about whether they planned to do a similar, virtual version.

Although Cattell said it is a relief that students are away from the cesspool of sin that is Happy Valley, his hope, like that of university administrators, is to bring as much normalcy as possible to last few weeks of the semester.

“A lot of things have been canceled during the last few weeks, but two things haven’t: students’ bad behavior and their chances at salvation,” Cattell said.

Cattell said he initially considered using popular personalized video message service Cameo as a way to monetize his sermons like former Penn State football players Trace McSorley and DaeSean Hamilton. However, after deep reflection, he realized the impiety of profiting from preaching, citing 1 Timothy specifically.

Plus, Cattell said, if he simply sent out recordings, there would be no way for him to ignore students telling him he’s wrong, which he says is his favorite part of the vocation.

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About the Author

Anthony Colucci

Anthony Colucci was once Onward State’s managing editor and preferred walk-on honors student who majored in psychology and public relations. Despite being from the make-believe land of Central Jersey, he was never a Rutgers fan. If you ever want to know how good Saquon Barkley's ball security is, ask Anthony what happened when he tried to force a fumble at the Mifflin Streak. If you want to hear the story or are bored and want to share prequel memes, follow @_anthonycolucci on Twitter or email him at [email protected]. All other requests and complaints should be directed to Onward State media contact emeritus Steve Connelly.

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