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Staff Picks: What’s Inside Penn State Football’s Proposed ‘Quarterback Lab’?

Last week, Penn State football submitted a proposal outlining several planned renovations to its Lasch Football Building, but one upgrade caught everyone’s attention: a “quarterback lab.”

As you’d probably expect, the plans left us with many questions. How useful would a quarterback lab be? What goes on in there? Are Penn State coaches creating quarterbacks like myPlayers in NCAA Football 14? What even is a quarterback lab?

That said, our super sleuths (read: staffers) took a crack at predicting what the Nittany Lions’ proposed quarterback lab is all about.

Will Pegler: Sean Clifford’s Chess Trainer

QB1 explained to the media a few weeks ago that he’s spent his extended time at home training with world-renowned chess expert Seth Makowsky. The chess guru has helped Clifford develop a winning mindset by drawing parallels between football and chess. Why not get all the quarterbacks on the same wavelength?

I believe Sandy Barbour and the rest of the athletic department shelled out some cash to develop a high-end dorm room for Makowsky, with extravagant dining and chess training materials included, within the so-called “quarterback lab.” Makowsky will now be available for around-the-clock training with all of Penn State’s signal-callers, and I think it will play a big role in the group’s success in 2020.

Just imagine Clifford and Will Levis battling it out in a mean game of chess. How else would you want your quarterbacks to prepare for a grueling football season?

Matt DiSanto: A Labrador For Quarterbacks

Man’s best friend can do wonders to relieve stress and get players in tip-top shape for gameday. Some are even talented enough to get out onto the gridiron themselves. Just look at 1998’s seminal sports comedy “Air Bud: Golden Receiver”!

I’d like to imagine Penn State football’s staff would take the bluntly literal route with its proposed quarterback lab by literally adopting a labrador retriever to accompany its signal-callers during practices and games. The lab would function as a designated puppy playpen to give Sean Clifford and Co. a chance to de-stress and hang with some certified Good Boys™ after a long day on the turf.

Owen Abbey: The Quarterback Spa

The quarterback room is full of normal students, and normal students need to find ways to relax. Enter the “quarterback lab,” which is just a cover-up for what it actually is: the quarterback spa.

Picture this: You’re Sean Clifford and you just finished a long day of practice. Coach Franklin pushed you pretty hard like he normally does, and you’re pretty tired. You go to the quarterback lab, and what’s waiting for you? A massage, a sauna, and some nice rainforest noises to calm yourself down. You stay there for 15 to 20 minutes and, like magic, feel relaxed.

As Clifford and the rest of the quarterbacks prepare on gameday, they can spend some time in the spa to get their heads in order and give it their all on the field. After a nice win, they can come back and bask in all of their glory, too.

Frankie Marzano: The JoePa Statue

There have been many rumors around where the famed statue could be, yet nobody knows where it is for sure. However, now is the time for the statue to make its return to glory.

Displaying the statue in a public place could draw some unwanted attention, so it’s not a crazy idea to think Penn State could put it in the new quarterback lab. As Sean Clifford and Co. prepare for their next opponent, Paterno’s bust can serve as a bit of a good luck charm.

Ryen Gailey: A Dance Studio

The quarterback lab definitely has a dance studio in it. Will Levis has done a great job practicing TikTok dance moves while off the field, but Penn State’s other quarterbacks need to step up and bust a move, too.

There’s no time for agility or speed practice when thousands of TikTok trends await. We can’t let our quarterback classes fall behind other universities with respect to their ability to upkeep with the trends. It’s time for others to step into the lab to sharpen their grooving skills.

Michael Tauriello: Spongebob’s Anchor Arms

Any good quarterback needs to be able to launch a deep ball when the opportunity presents itself. Historically, and especially in recent years, Penn State quarterbacks have proven their ability to throw it deep time after time. How are they going to take it to the next level with the new quarterback lab, you ask? The anchor arms from “SpongeBob SquarePants,” of course.

The iconic arms may have originally been unveiled in October 1999 with plenty of defects and quirks that had impacted SpongeBob’s performance in the anchor toss competition, but 20 years have come and gone since then. With time comes plenty of technological advancements that can greatly improve a product.

Now that all these years have passed, perhaps it’s time for Sean Clifford to put the anchor arms to the test in the quarterback lab. Maybe he can throw anchors say, 510 yards away? Sounds good to me!

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Staff

Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

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