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Uncovered THON 2023 Line Dance Lyrics

On Thursday afternoon, Onward State received an anonymous tip with the Google Drive login information of THON’s executive board.

The password, FTK16mill, granted us access to secret line dance lyrics from the past year. The line dance is one of the most iconic parts of the annual dance marathon. It allows people to take a trip down memory lane and record history each year.

Each week, the Dancer Relations committee updates the drive with all of the not-yet-kid-friendly happenings around campus and the world. Turns out Penn State isn’t so PG after all.

The results of our hacking? It’s shocking. It was our duty to share our findings with the Penn State community.

Read on to learn THON’s uncovered line dance lyrics.

Bendapudi blocks out the noise // Welcome to campus, Proud Boys!

Drunk at Antifragile off one pale ale // Ohio train. Oh no, derail!

Daily Collegian, that’s not BREAKING! // Will Aguirre is now shaking

Graham Spanier profiting from Sandusky Scandal book // Get off our campus, you’re a crook!

Mr. football isn’t vaxxed // Racial justice center, that we axed!

Penn State students not informed of alleged Stuckeman Building threat // Deadass, we all need a cigarette

Athletics fires five big-wigs // Jennette McCurdy visits, don’t bring up Ms. Briggs

UPUA is corrupt // THON Saturday night performer really sucked

Penn State spokesperson stays leaving media on read // Dollar Dog Night, we watch it spread

Mauti & Jay Paterno feud on the bird app // UP law school will get a zap

Staggering Penn State budget deficit // To the portal they go, every hoops commit

Academic Weapon, Brad Kraut // Damon Sims says “fuck this, I’m out!”

Pike fraternity gets suspended // Micah Shrewsberry is now unfriended

Ya’ll missed the point of the Lion Shrine vandalism // What’s with all the recent campus evangelism?

Gwen not indicted after violent ski // No such luck for Donald T

English instructors aren’t paid a living wage // Morgan Wallen writes song about influencer Paige

Faculty layoffs…Will you be fired? // $3.4 million for Mike Rhoades when hired

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

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About the Author

Colleen Nersten

Colleen is a washed-up biology grad and former associate editor. Her legacy will live on through stories like “10 Questions With State College Sensation ‘Hot UPS Bae’”. If you’re a STEM girlie, this is your sign to take the leap of faith and learn to write. It’s pretty fun. Colleen misses the hate mail and can be reached at [email protected] or via LinkedIn.

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