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‘How State Are You?’ Remastered

Since its inception in 2014, Onward State alum Noel Purcell tried to settle debates among friends once and for all by creating an official quiz to test your “State”-ness.

As Purcell put it so eloquently back in November 2014, “While an abstract concept to many, anyone with blue and white running through their veins knows how State a person, event, activity, or object is. It’s sort of like the midi-chlorian count of a Happy Valley life, but instead of The Force, you have three different LaVar Arrington jerseys. What we want to provide, however, is a definitive answer to a question that has plagued the student population of Penn State for more than a century, a question that has kept many up late at night: ‘How State Am I?'”

So true, Noel.

With this inspiration in mind, we set out to breathe new life into the idea of finding out just how “State” one could be. However, 2014 was a pretty long time ago, and we figured that the quiz could use updating since there have been a few changes in the last nine or so years. Here we present the ‘How State Are You?’ quiz, remastered for 2023.

Tier 1: First-Year

  1. Have you scheduled a meeting with your academic advisor before?
  2. Did you post a picture on Instagram with your accepted student banner?
  3. Have you made the cross-country trek from East Renovated to The Den?
  4. Have you locked yourself out of your dorm and had to sign out a temporary key?
  5. Did you succeed in your battle with Ticketmaster and get football season tickets?
  6. Did you make a LinkedIn account immediately after getting into Smeal?
  7. Can you name Penn State’s current president?
  8. Did you switch out of your major during NSO?
  9. Have you gone to a dorm party in Sproul?
  10. Can you name a building on campus?

Tier 2: Doesn’t Get Hit By Electric Scooters

  1. Have you attended THON Weekend?
  2. Have you gone to a random family’s tailgate and eaten their food?
  3. Do you have a favorite Onward State post?
  4. Have you seen a hockey game at Pegula Ice Arena?
  5. Can you name a head coach who isn’t James Franklin?
  6. Has someone yelled “We Are!” at you outside of State College?
  7. What are your thoughts on Crown Russe?
  8. Have you wrecked a Spin bike somehow?
  9. Do you know how to say “Schuylkill?”
  10. Have you called the CATABus the “Bloop” or “Whoop?”

Tier 3: 500+ LinkedIn Connections

  1. Have you been in the S-Zone?
  2. Have you paid a cover at a bar with no live music?
  3. Did you go to the Rose Bowl?
  4. Can you do a move from a previous THON’s Line Dance?
  5. Can you name a few academic colleges on campus?
  6. Have you been to a wrestling duel at the BJC?
  7. Did you participate in a group Halloween costume?
  8. Have you gotten into a verbal fight about Penn State with a fan of the opposing team?
  9. Has the Willard Preacher said something indefensible and disgusting about you personally?
  10. “I’m not sure if we didn’t just watch two of ___ ____ _____ __ _______ ________.”

Tier 4: Name on a Building

  1. Have you lived in the library for a full day?
  2. Did you make it through freshman year on your level-one meal plan?
  3. Have you swiped into an on-campus gym first try?
  4. Did you get a free Tesla with your NIL deal?
  5. Have you stepped foot in the Nittany Mall?
  6. Have you figured out how I-99 works?
  7. Did you get your off-campus gym membership for the tanning bed?
  8. Have you exceeded $160 in LineLeap fees for a single weekend?
  9. Are you team Yallah Taco or team El Jefe’s?
  10. Did you say “neither” to the last question because you’re a student with taste and prefer Lupita’s?

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About the Author

Luke Pieczynski

Luke is a sophomore DUS premajor hailing from Pittsburgh, PA, and is one of Onward State's social media editors. He can often be found in the Starbucks line waiting for a nitro cold brew, or listening to one of Dua Lipa's latest releases. He's a fiercely loyal Sheetz Freak and will not settle for another Pennsylvania gas station. Please send your best political thriller to him on Twitter @lukepie11 or to his email [email protected].

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