The Big Ten is a tough conference to play in.

Since the conference has expanded, Penn State football will have to face multiple challenging opponents every season. Because of this, Penn State will likely try to schedule weaker non-conference opponents moving forward to provide for some easier wins at the beginning of each season.

Over the program’s history, the Nittany Lions have faced a number of ridiculous opponents, from the Army Ambulance Corps to Wyoming Seminary. We thought it would be fun to brainstorm a few options for Penn State to schedule moving forward.

Keeley Lamm: Hot Dog High

I would relish the idea of Penn State football challenging the hotdoggers of Hot Dog High. We here at Onward State are passionate fans of oversized vehicles, and the Wienermobile is a bunderful mode of transportation. Each year, incoming hotdoggers — or Wienermobile drivers — receive a franktastic education at Hot Dog High before hitting the road behind the wheel of the wiener. I’m not sure if the hotdoggers of Hot Dog High could ketchup to the talent of Penn State, but I know the team would have some sizzling plays. Frankly, every dog has its grilling day.

Mitch Corcoran: Slippery Rock

For folks from western Pennsylvania, Slippery Rock is a school many are familiar with. But for those from the eastern part of the state or from out of state, Slippery Rock sounds like a fake university. However, it’s 100% real. Slippery Rock sits in Butler County about halfway between Pittsburgh and Erie, and a little over 8,000 students attend the university. However, the biggest reason I picked it is because it actually has a very respectable football program. At the Division II level, Slippery Rock is 33-8 since 2021, including a 2-0 record so far this season. Also during that time, it’s made two PSAC Championship appearances and won three NCAA Division II playoff games. Penn State would still destroy it, but it would be a fun in-state matchup, nonetheless.

Mikey DeAngelis: Hamburger University

Yes, Hamburger University is a real “school.” I put school in quotation marks because it’s not officially a university, but rather the official training facility of McDonald’s. Located in Chicago, Hamburger University has over 275,000 alumni who all graduated with a degree in “Hamburgerology.” While Hamburger University doesn’t currently have any beef with Penn State, if they faced off on the gridiron, I think the Nittany Lions would McWhoop it.

Michael Siroty: Deep Springs College

Located in California, Deep Springs College is the smallest university in the country with only 26 students. However, 26 is enough to field a team with a full offense, defense, and special teams unit. The school has an “isolation policy” that doesn’t allow students to leave campus, but I say it breaks that rule and head to the middle of Pennsylvania. So, let’s throw on Mo Bamba and go 1-0 in a non-conference matchup with the Cowboy Scholars.

Fernando Martinez: Universidad De Morón

It’s time for Penn State football to play a game internationally, and the opponent should be Universidad de Morón. In English translation, this means Moron University. It’s a university in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and it would be the perfect university to play against for Penn State to grow its brand on an international level. Argentina, get ready to learn Penn State football.

Jamie Lynch: Penn State World Campus

Forget the Blue-White Game. I want some regular season, campus versus campus action. While there are thousands of Penn State students scattered across the commonwealth, it is often forgotten that there are even more Nittany Lions who learn online around the globe. Though many of these Penn Staters may not have pursued a career in football, there is undoubtedly hidden athletic talent that can put up a fight against James Franklin’s University Park squad.

Opposite the spring game played every April, the “Battle of the Nittany-verse” will commence every fall. It will showcase the blue and white empire forged in 1855, and expanded upon in 1998, with the creation of the World Campus. In order to maintain accessibility and a sense of neutrality, the game will be played in a location decided by President Neeli Bendapudi. If members of the World Campus team are unable to travel to the designated location, the game may be played remotely via College Football 25.

I expect the series to begin as soon as Beaver Stadium’s WiFi is enhanced to ensure the two teams are compatible if a virtual game is necessary. It’s doubtful that this will be in the near future.

Evan Halfen: Sky High

For my pick, I’m going with Sky High, the high school from the 2005 hit Disney movie of the same name. Although this school is obviously fictional with aspiring superheroes and villains roaming the halls, if the Nittany Lions actually played against a team with powers like flame-throwing, speed, and super strength, to name a few, it would go down as the college football game of the century. Sure, the super-abled athletes would most likely run circles around the boys in blue, but it would be the most entertaining matchup I’ve ever seen. Besides, who wouldn’t want to see Drew Allar get his ass set on fire?

Nolan Wick: The University Of Nottingham

The NFL plays games in the United Kingdom, so Penn State should do that while taking things a step further. Believe it or not, there is college football overseas. The University of Nottingham has one of the best teams in the British University American Football League, finishing 8-0 in the 2023-24 regular season. Schedule a home-and-home series and let two of the best college football teams on each side of the pond battle it out.

Joe Lister: Pate State

For those unfamiliar, Pate State is the “official university” of college football pundit/commentator/podcaster/guy Josh Pate. While Pate himself is just one man, he has a few production folks working alongside him, including a Penn State grad, Jesse Myers. It might not be enough to fill a full squad, but it would be enough to fill an offseason’s worth of content for Pate.

Regardless of talent, this matchup needs to happen because of Pate’s lack of hair. I simply have to know if Pate, a very bald man, could defeat James Franklin, an even balder man, on the football field. That’s all that matters.