If you ask anyone around me the last two weeks, they can probably all tell you one thing: “Ashley is scared for her senior column.”

Ever since the end of my sophomore year, I realized I was becoming an upperclassman, and my senior column would be needed sooner rather than later, so I’d better think of a good topic. Well, that never happened. Time passed, and I kept freaking out, scared I had nothing to say. Because what is there for me to say that everyone else hasn’t heard?

Instead of having one huge piece of advice to give — and if most of the people reading this are my friends and family, it would probably just be stuff they already know, and strangers won’t care enough (but thank you for reading) — I realized this week that I’m really bad at goodbyes. Like really bad.

So if there’s one thing I’ve been learning, especially in the midst of finals that I just want to finally be done with, it’s how to, at least start, to say goodbye.

Sometimes there’s no choice, yet it feels so final and abrupt. Having the ability to actually say goodbye is a lucky thing; it’s much worse when you have no chance. I guess it’s time to try to learn how to say goodbye to Onward State now.

Step 1: Find What I Will Miss

In order to learn how to say goodbye, it’s a good first step to realize what you’ll actually miss, in this case, the little things that made Penn State a great home for the last four years, no matter the ups and downs.

I’ll miss my little college town, the walk to football tailgates, picking up Leah on the way, talking about the new outfit we bought, and our tailgate schedule for the day.

I’ll miss the days when I loved my walks to class and seeing Old Main at sunset, and I’ll still miss those walks in the rain or freezing weather when all I want to do is sleep (but definitely a lot less than the nice ones). I’ll miss hanging out in Willard, and I’ll miss the corner of the library that was my second home during my freshman and sophomore years.

I’ll miss formals, dinners downtown, running to Urban or Target at the last minute, formal-dress shopping, looking for new Penn State merch for games, reviewing new food places, the last-minute runs to the store, being able to force Joey to try 7-Brew, and all the last-minute events.

I’ll miss bonfires, black cherry set aside for me, all my trips to my favorite place, junior year visiting all my friends in the same place, having everyone forget Leah is my little, running in the rain to the next bar, long islands, Egpytian Rat Slap, 711, Doggie’s nights, 3:46 Sunrise at Doggie’s, raspberry lemonades at Doggie’s, cherry limeades at Doggie’s, my two-hour waits with Dani at Doggie’s — can you see the theme here?

Of course, I’ll miss my friends and Onward State. I’ll miss my lacrosse games so much, and all my Friday nights spent at Jeffrey Field and the freezing cold NCAA women’s soccer games. I’ll miss my random little features and all the nice people I’ve gotten to talk to and introduce to all our readers.

Onward State has been a part of my life for exactly 1,337 days, and as of today, it’s done. It’s going to be a weird adjustment not checking that everything is scheduled and not checking Slack at all hours of the day, but that’s the weird thing about goodbyes: you don’t realize how many small moments are important until times like this.

Step 2: Find Some Things I Won’t Really Miss

Of course, with goodbyes come some things you’ll be happy to leave behind.

I won’t miss my late nights doing essays, scheduling at 2 a.m., silly drama, far walks in the cold because there’s no parking, freezing-cold and rainy Penn State games where we lose, and waking up at 7 a.m. three times a week to the loudest garbage truck imaginable.

I’m excited to go home, to my nice bed, and be with my family and dog, but there’s not much I can say I’m happy to leave behind at Penn State. Even the things I won’t miss are tied back to things I will.

Step 3: Finding Who To Thank

This is customary for all senior columns, but recognizing who to thank for making Penn State so great is an important step to learning how to say goodbye to it.

Thank you to everyone at Onward State for being part of my life over the last four years, no matter how big or small.

Thank you to Gabe for trusting me and bringing me onto staff. Thank you to Connor Krause, whom I overheard saying he needed someone to cover lacrosse and trusted me to cover 95% of the games as a freshman.

Thank you to Colleen and Keeley for being such welcoming figures for me on staff when I joined, and for being some of the best people to look up to. Thank you to everyone I’ve been an associate editor with for teaching me so much, especially to Joe for training me while I was abroad and dealing with my questions this past year.

But especially thank you to all the other editors this year for making my job easier, helping me make decisions, and being the best people I could ever ask to run the blog with. Collin, you’re so talented and will do an amazing job. Thank you, Ally, for being one of the most genuine and fun people ever over the last three years. Thank you, Siroty, for being the best hype man. And thank you, CJ, for being my second-in-command and for walking with me to our first-ever Onward State social together. Time flies.

Thank you to all my friends over the last four years; you’ve made this place what it is. Grace, Jess, Dani, Leah, Nicole, Lily, Shannon, Katie, Caralyn, Becca, Alyssa, Keyla, Mary, Alli, Morgan, Maggie, Alex, Evan, Ashton, Nate, Zach, Eric, Chris, Joey, Ryan, and so many more. It’s too long to give you each a shoutout, but know you all mean the world to me. A few quick notes though…

Evan, thank you for helping me during my freshman year. Your constant support means the world to me and helps me so much every day (and thanks for taking my first graduation pictures by accident).

Alex, I’m so happy we had feature writing together in the fall. I always thought you were so nice, but I never got to talk to you for long before that class, and I’m so grateful for it.

Maggie, you’re amazing. Shoutout to Evan and John for making us friends, and thanks for trusting me that night in the fall. Never stop being you; you’re going to go so far.

Ashton, Nate, Joey, and Zach, thanks for basically letting me claim you as my friends and never questioning it.

Sully, thanks for letting me crash out to you all the time and somehow always helping. There’s no one else I’d rather get two Snarkies about. Thanks for being my best friend.

To my family, I’m sure you all know how much I love and appreciate you. Your constant support means the world, and the best part about being home is how often I’m able to see you all; you make graduating so much less scary.

Step 4: Saying Goodbye

As I said, I hate goodbyes. I’m sorry to Kennedy and Jayla at Snarkies for only half-saying goodbye. I didn’t want to accept that my time was coming to an end. Alex, no goodbye for you yet. You were my inspiration for this column, but I don’t want to cry. I’ll see you soon, I promise. Dani and Lily, let’s close out Doggie’s soon for a proper goodbye.

I guess the hardest thing about saying goodbyes is realizing what you’re saying goodbye to. But they don’t have to be permanent. I don’t plan on never coming back to Penn State, never reading the blog, or never seeing my friends again. I can still come back, walk around, see Willard, and appreciate what makes saying goodbye so hard.

At the end of the day, you can’t take goodbyes for granted, even if they’re not always permanent. When there’s an opportunity to say goodbye, take it, even if it’s awkward or feels incomplete. Always.

So, today, goodbye to the blog, thank you for everything. Soon, goodbye to Penn State and my friends. I’ll see you soon and will never have to lose or say goodbye to how you’ve changed my life.

For The Blog always.