To: Terry Casey, Editor-in-Chief, The Daily Collegian
From: Davis Shaver, Editor, Onward State

We just heard the bad news. Print is dead. I am truly sorry for your lots.

But, hey, look at the bright side: there’s a new guy in town.

We know that yall have been good to Penn State over the last 105 years. Where would we be if we didn’t have Penn State institutions like the Blue and White Rapper contest and your awesome columnists? That’s why we’re extending a pretty magnanimous offer (imho lol) to the occupants of 123 S. Burrowes St.

For the low price of $1000, we will let yall join our staff as writers. We’ll even get you space in our building– but we can’t tell you where it is until you agree. (Interested in what our offices look like? Check them out here.)

This will come with just a few stipulations though.

$$$ Print edition will have to be switched to paper towels with advertising on them. Think of how great the demand for paper towels is in campus bathrooms! Captive audience, route to profitability, what?

$$$ All the Collegian’s blogs will have to redirect to either LOL Cats or YTMND, at our discretion.

$$$ The offices at 123 S. Burrowes will be converted into an Onward State branded petting zoo. (We’ll let yall pick at least half of the pets too. Sorry, the girls of the Big Ten don’t count.)

$$$ The professional staff will be retained and retrained. Take a guess what their jobs will be. (Hint: see the previous point.)

$$$ Editorials will be published in the form of Tweets. We think this will reduce bloviation.

Please, consider the offer. Think of it as a little bail-out of your own. Any questions, you know how to reach me.

Sincerely,

DS

P.S. Need more convincing that we have the revenue to sustain you? Check out this screen shot of our AdSense earnings…